Clean and Unclean

Dirty.

Dirty thoughts.

Dirty mind.

Dirty heart.

Dirty, dirty, dirty.

I know I'm a Christian and I don't have to live this way, but this is how I used to feel almost all the time. Every time I would try to come close to God, to feel clean, I'd remember.

I'd remember the pictures I used to lust at. The ecstatic feeling from sinning. The despicable thoughts I used to entertain. The evil dreams I used to dream. I'd remember, and it all still calls to me, calling me to who I once was, and could all to easily become again.

 Every time, shame fills my soul,  and I bow my head in despair. Can I ever be clean?

In the Gospels, Jesus healed men with leprosy, a disease that required them to be quarantined and forced to shout, "Unclean! Unclean!" whenever anyone walked by them.

However, in one story, Jesus healed a man and told him not to spread word that Jesus had healed him. But the man didn't do that. Instead, I bet he shouted, "I'm clean, I'm clean!" everywhere he went.

Oh, that I could be that man, able to scream the way he might have. But I am my worst enemy. God forgives and then forgets, meaning that he refuses to hold our sins against us. I don't forget like that. I keep condemning myself for my past.

Can I ever be clean?

Truthfully, yes.

God knew my struggles and my sins long before I was ever conceived. Yet, still He created me. Even more than that, He loves me. He is whole in and of Himself, yet He created me so I could share my life, my heart, everything that I am, was and ever will be with Him, and so He could share His Everything with me. His joy, His love, His wonder, His creation...everything.

He knows all about me and still wants to have a relationship with me. And I am blown away by how amazing He is! But there's something I keep forgetting: It's a relationship, a process, not a quick-fix. God wants to heal me, to make me clean from the inside out, but He is not an instant stain remover. It takes awhile and can only occur if we try to Him. Then gradually, day by day, we become more like Him, more like who He wants us to be, righteous , beloved, and complete in Him.

And guess what? Nothing Satan can do, tempt me to do, is ever going to change God's plan for me. He knows it all, and designed us, designed me, to show His glory in a way only I can. So what about my memory? It will still hurt, But thing only thing I can do is remember. Remember that God Himself has forgiven my sins and doesn't hold them against. And then I accept His forgiveness anew and let it wash over my shame with overwhelming love.

Yes, I can be clean. One day, I will be able to run into my Father's arms and shout, "I'm clean! I'm clean! The King has made me clean!" But until that day, I wait here, knowing His love and waiting for Him to fulfill His work in me.

Holy is He and most worthy of praise.

Self and Forgiveness

Self-forgiveness. We've all heard about it. Many Christian motivational speaker talk about it. Sometimes we think we need it. But there's just one problem with it.

It doesn't work!

You cannot forgive yourself. Forgiveness doesn't work that way. It is inter-personal, not intra-personal. You can deny guilt or reason it away, but it won't go away, and that is not real forgiveness.

Look at it this way: You break my computer. Two things can happen. 1) I can demand that you pay me for a new computer or get me a new one. 2) I can forgive you and pay for a new one myself, releasing you from any payments I could require of you.

Which one is forgiveness? The second one, of course. But you can't forgive yourself. You could deny that you did it, pretend it never happened. You could also excuse yourself. Maybe I was a jerk who you thought deserved it. Again, however, that is not forgiveness.

Forgiveness is when someone offers to take the punishment that you deserve in your place. You obviously can't do that. I can't do that. So, in the face of overwhelming guilt, what can people do?

The only thing I've found that washes away guilt completely, never to return, is the forgiveness of God. Of Christ. All I have to do, indeed all I can do, is accept it. Fully and completely. Denial and excuses work for only so long until you figure out that they haven't absolved you of any guilt. In fact, they make it worse at times.

What can wash away my sins? Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

His blood. The symbol of ultimate forgiveness. He washes away our sins everything that makes us feel guilty, and refuses to ever hold it against us again. All we have to do is humble ourselves and ask for forgiveness.

This is all my Righteousness: Nothing but the Blood of Jesus.

Holy is He and worthy of praise.

Hatred and Love

Its black claws rake my soul, its hunger unsatisfied. It demands more of me, roaring , shrieking. It sucks more of my soul away, refusing to be sated by all I have given it. It demands more of me, never giving anything back, but promising that next time it might. All is darkness.

I try to satisfy it, giving it all my spare energy. Still, it is not enough. It takes me in its talons and and raises me towards its gaping maw, intending to consume me. I struggle but I cannot break free of its crushing grip.
 *                  *                   *                      *                    *                 *                *
That is hatred. It takes everything, gives nothing back, and then demands you to sacrifice yourself to it. It is an all-consuming darkness inside the soul. It is a very personal demon that does not leave easily.

It and I used to be friends. I was an angry teenager, angry at certain people who had used and bruised me, though I kept it under wraps around my friends and family. I tended to my spiritual, infected wounds in private, not letting anyone else see them, and sometimes letting Satan inflict more on me.

Finally, almost one year ago, I couldn't survive any longer. Hate was drowning me. I was in utter despair every time I allowed myself to dwell on my hidden scars.

But God helped me and gave me a gift I know I didn't deserve but desperately needed.He gave me true friends, people with whom I could share my burdens. With their help, I was able to move beyond the hatred to find healing for my wounds. I found forgiveness for those who had hurt me. God showed me Love, and it is far greater than any form Hatred can take. It is empty, always feeding on those it can ensnare, but it can be full. It longs to be filled, but eats away at the soul, knowing that it can never be filled.

Love is full. Overflowing, in fact! It gives to the Beloved and doesn't ask for anything in return. It is full because it comes from God and needs nothing because everything it wants comes from Him.
 *                  *                   *                      *                    *                 *                *
Before the Beast can consume, it turns toward a sudden ray of light. It shrieks again, not in demand but in pain. It drops me and runs, trying to escape the light and its Source. I lay face down on the ground, bleeding and in pain, unable to move. The light grows brighter.

I hear movement near me and try to call out for help, but can manage only a weak groan. The light grows stronger, almost blinding me. Then I sense someone kneel next to me. Hands grab my side and turn me over. Now I can see only a figure enshrouded by the light. I try to speak but no words come out.

"Shh." He tells me. "You're safe now." The light dims and I see a Man with a kind, bearded face looking on me with a fatherly Love.  He pulls out some ointment and gauze and starts to bandage my wounds.

"Who are you?" I ask weakly.

"I am Love, and I will care for you."

"Thank you for rescuing me. He would have killed me!"

"Yes, he would have. But he has no power over you. Not any more." 

I could feel strength returning to me. "I promise to repay you--"

"The only payment I ask for is that you go and tell others about Me and bring them to Me. Rescue others from the Darkness as you have been rescued. That is all I ask. Now rest."

"Thank you, again."

"Oh, one more thing."

"Yes?"

"Never forget you are Loved."
 *                  *                   *                      *                    *                 *                *
Holy is He and most worthy of praise.

Truth and Justice

"Truth, Justice, and the American Way!" Yes, we all know the cliche like the backs of our hands, espoused by comic book characters like Superman and Captain America. But America has no real claim to truth and justice. They are universal. Moreover, anyone who follows politics knows that we haven't been the best examples of these ideals to the outside world and not even to ourselves. However, I didn't start writing this to blab about politics. I'll let those who care about such things do that. Instead, I want to explore the relationship of truth and justice.

What is justice? Simple. A criminal or wrongdoer is forced to face the consequences of his actions. This can be accompanied by mercy, like the way Jesus treats us and forgives us our sins. It can also be without mercy, like the State's way, where the criminal may face jail time or possibly the death penalty, depending on the severity of the crime.

Truth is somewhat self-explanatory. For right now, however, since I like to work with defined ideas, truth is a complete absence of deception.

We must have both of these ideas working together in order to find true justice. I know; "Wow, Nati! I never knew that before! Thank you so much for making that clear once and for all." But trust me, I have a reason I say this.

Justice, when not served with truth, is vengeance. It is taking the idea of pure justice and twisting it to fit our needs. Revenge is bending justice inward towards ourselves in a selfish attempt to get it when we think no one else can get justice for us.

A good example of this is in the movie Hard Candy. (I do not recommend this film in the slightest; I'm simply using it as an example.) At the end, a teenage girl convinces a man to commit suicide after getting him to admit to killing her friend. After lying to him throughout the film, she tells him she will erase the evidence of his crimes. When he steps off the roof to his death, she leans over, looks at his body, and then says, "...or not."

She got revenge. She used deception to get close to him, to get him to confess, and to convince him to commit suicide. That movie left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. She twisted justice to get her own way, and in the end found bittersweet revenge, not justice.

Justice must always be served in truth. Always. Both truth and justice are parts of God's Character and it maligns Him when we attempt to deceive in order to get justice. God will not tolerate that, which is why when we get revenge, it often returns to claim a sizable chunk of our backsides. He will not be mocked and that is what revenge is. It is telling God, "You aren't good enough for me, so I'll get justice my way!" It won't work.

God knows what He is doing, and he will serve justice rightly when it is due. Do not seek it out for your own purposes and get revenge. Trust God, and serve Him to your utmost, letting the Perfect Judge serve Justice.

Holy is He, and worthy of praise.

Pain and Joy

2011, a new year.  It holds hopes, excitements, pains and regrets for everyone. I myself am looking forward to another semester at college, strengthening friendships and, for the month of January at least, muttering under my breath every time I accidentally write 2010 instead of 2011.

2010 was an amazing, but scary year for me. I have done so much which I didn't expect to do and have met a lot more people that I can ever completely remember (Thank goodness for Facebook, right?). I have gone many more places and learned so many things that I was afraid at times that my brain would choke. I went to a foriegn country, and then I moved away to a college twenty hours and two times zones away from my family. During the first few weeks of my first college semester, I was struck again and again by loneliness. Even now, It still strikes me at random times.

Now why am I indulging in this journey down Memory Lane? Well, I could say that it is the beginning of a new year and I should send out the old one with a fond "Farewell." But that is not the reason I write this.

I write this to tell you (and myself) not to fear the coming year.There are many joys to be experienced but also many pains. In the middle are the risks we must take in order to discover which experiences will lead to joy or to pain.

I have tried to avoid pain, and I know others who still do. It is impossible. The only way to avoid pain is to block all feelings. But if we block all of them out, we deprive ourselves of the ability to find joy. Moreover, we deprive ourselves of the ability to grow.

God has used my pain and struggles to help me grow this past year. Without these struggles, I would never have discovered the wonderful friends at school or found mentors and peers willing to help me become the man God wants.

Sometimes, we need to be willing to experience some pain to find joy. And if we look hard enough for  long enough, we will find that joy.

I believe that God does not want us to experience pain. But He will use that pain for His Plan.And if we let Him work in us through our laughter and our tears, He will makes us better men and women. All we have to do is trust Him.

Holy is He and worthy of praise.