Doubt

No, this is not about the play or the movie, though they do deal with this topic extremely well. This one will end up being a bit more writer-ly focused. Mostly because the subject I want to talk about has a lot to do with me as a writer. However, maybe the rest of you readers can identify with my struggles.

Doubts plague me. They gnaw at my heels, lunge at my hands, and attack my shoulders. They whisper in my ears, shroud my eyes, and claw at my heart. I fight them, but the sheer numbers makes me want to give up the fight. Alongside doubt is Fear, goading and giving Doubt voice. They tell me things I wish I couldn't hear. But hear them I do. And though I wrestle against them, I cannot help but wonder, what if they're right?

I see the people around me, look at the writers I call my friends. All of them are so accomplished. They fit everything a writer should be. They're successful, organized, lauded, influential. I'm anything but. I am the least among my peers. I do not have success. I do not influence. I am certainly not organized. And praise comes from my friends and family, which shows how little effect I've had on the world at large.

Of course, what should I expect? The most I've published is a single, shoddy short story, a few book reviews, and a small devotion. Not the writings of a successful author. Yet I see the people around me, the ones praised highly by my professors, and who succeed at everything they do. I, on the other hand, seem only barely able to break even. I try hard, but my efforts aren't quite good enough.

I want to be like them, but I wonder if that's even possible. I wonder if I'm good enough to be a writer. The problem is that writing is the only thing I know, the only thing I enjoy. The only profession I could use my skills in and make any type of living. And the only job I could truly and wholeheartedly love. I feel like it's what I am supposed to do, but how can I do it and glorify God when my works seems like nothing? As though what I try to do is never going to meet the standards set for me? Can God use a barely successful person like me for His purpose?

It all just keeps circling in my head and one question repeats like a refrain in my head: Am I good enough?

And still the battle rages. Some voices trying to encourage me, others reminding me that I have failed to be who I wish I could be. And it seems that if the bad writers get "weeded out" from the good in the degree program I'm in, how long until I am tossed into the trash among the weeds? But other voices argue that I am a good writer and give me reasons why this is true. And the battle rages on.

How I wish someone would come to me and say, "I believe in you." if I decide to be honest to myself, I wish a specific person would tell me that.  And I wish I could hear God say it to me.

I wish I could just defeat these doubts. I wish I had confidence. But doubts are my constant companion.

God How can this small voice praise you? How can I give You glory when there is no one to listen? Show me how.

Holy is thy name and worthy of so much praise more that I could ever say.

Desires

Well, this year seems to have it's own set of challenges. Many of them. And I'll admit, most of them aren't having to do with classes or homework loads. The challenges are mostly me.

Let me clarify though. Last year was an amazing first year of college.I made lots of friends, learned about how difficult college is, which isn't too bad when you come from a college-prep private school. However, I think if I could do it over I would change some things. I let too much stuff slide, was not as good a student or writer as I could have been, and just generally should have done better.

 This year, I want to be better. I want to take my health more seriously than I have in the past. I want to revitalize my relationship with my Savior. I want to be a better roommate and friend. I want not to be a stranger in my new dorm. I want to make good friendships with the guys I live with. I especially want to be a better writer. It's rather ridiculous when you're a Professional Writing major and in a very competitive field, yet you feel as though you haven't achieved much and you're at the bottom of your class, regardless of GPA.

I want to do something, affect someone. I want to know that I have made a difference in people's lives. I want to know that I'm a good writer, not because my friends and family say so, but because it is true. Honestly I want to somehow land a writing contract. I want to have more than a few dozen people read my writing and then get letters telling me that what I wrote made some sort of difference. Well, I'm being brutally honest, I guess.

I want to land a job! I want to go out and get a job based on my merit, and not based on whose son I am. While it worked wonderfully at camp, it doesn't work in the real world. I want to be independent.

And since I'm on the brutal honesty track, I'll go ahead and just say it: I want to please my dad. I want him to be proud of me. Instead of hearing him remind me that I need to be better and work harder, I want to hear him tell me that he's proud of what I've done. And I want to be found worthy to him.

Don't get me wrong. My dad is a wonderful man. He loves me greatly. He supports me. I love him almost more than anything! God obviously has to come first, but it still remains. He is an awesome man I'm proud to call my father.

But last year I didn't do very well, and my dad has reminded me many times that we still struggle financially just for me to go to Taylor University. (Curse my idiotic ambition.) I want to make him proud this year, to hear him tell me that I've done well. I don't want to disappoint him.

However, finding out that you weren't selected for one of two available jobs you applied for really puts a cramp in those wishes. Dad and I both know how much I need a job, and how much I want to avoid working in the Dining Commons.And I haven't heard anything at all about the second job, leaving me intensely fearful about my chances.


So right now, I'm looking to God, telling Him about these desires. I want to please Him too, and well, I feel like I might not be doing well at that. I want to honor Him and my earthly father, but I'm not sure how well I will. I am really afraid I'll fail.


I have to remember to ask God for strength. Though I can't seem to get it through my logical mind, I know in my soul that if I try to make these changes, be this "better" person I hope to be all on my own, I'll fail. I will trip in the race of life and give the ground a very dirty, bloody hug. (Also known as a "face-plant".) Somehow, someway, if I will just trust God, His plan in me will be fulfilled. I pray that I live up to His plan.


Holy is He and worthy of praise.