Writer's Ego

Confession time.

I live with a small voice in my head telling me how awesome I am and how everyone should love what I write.

Sadly, not many people listen to that voice inside my head. (I wonder why….)

It’s the voice inside me that tells me that I need to work harder, do better, and become the best. The ambition to one day be a famous writer/blogger, and have publishers competing to be the one to publish my book. I call him Writer’s Ego. He’s a fun chap to have to deal with all the time. (But more on that later.)
So I go out and publish more and more words, hoping to get noticed…

Aaaaaaaand my post views still end up in the double digits. Sometimes, I’m happy just to make it over 50 views, a rarity itself. (Not saying all of you MUST read my blog from now on. Just speaking reality here.)
Then I see some of my friends writing and people liking so much of their stuff. Enter Ego’s brother, Envy.

He starts out small. He whispers things in my writer’s ear that rake his brother Ego.
“Why does she get all the likes? Why does no one appreciate the words you say?”

Or “Why is he the one every turns to? Why do they look up to him as a writer? You’re just as good a writer.”

I told you he starts small. Ugly, but small. (Envy picture from FullMetal Alchemist: Brotherhood)

He starts out small. But then he and Ego join together and become one giant evil monster of jealous ambition that drives me to do better, not because I want to be my best, but the best.

“YOU MUST WRITE BETTER!! BE FUNNIER, HAVE MORE WISDOM!!! TELL BETTER STORIES WITH BETTER PLOTS AND BETTER CHARACTERS AND BETTER DIALOGUE!!!!  YOU MUST BETHE BEST IF YOU EVER WANT TO AMOUNT TO ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!”

Yeah, he's even uglier when he gets bigger. And more monstrous and unmanageable. (Picture of Envy from FullMetal Alchemist: Brotherhood)

And here we find my fatal flaw (or in Christian-ese, my “deadly sin”). I want so much to be a voice, a writer, an influence, that I pressure myself to be the very best, not just my best.

Or to paraphrase the Pokémon theme song, “Gotta beat ‘em all!”

And then the pressure builds, I fail to write better than my peers, and I fall short. And I feel a lot like a failure as a writer.

Thus is the cycle of Ego/Envy. And, despite what my pastor says about “nailing SELF to a tree,” (or sacrificing myself to God’s Will,) that Ego keeps coming back like a comic book villain. He won’t die.

Maybe you know what this is like. Maybe you don’t. As much as I wouldn’t want Envy to be a scourge for anyone else, a part of me hopes I’m not the only one who lives with Ego/Envy.

What is the solution? I mean, come on! I can’t write about this without offering some sort of resolution. All my fellow writers would kill me!

The best thing I’ve found that defeats Ego and Envy is humility. And God humbles me in the most unlikely ways. Often, it’s a comment, or a text, or a Facebook message telling me how much I and my words mean to someone. It’s really humbling when I didn’t think that particular piece was one of my best.

Sometimes, it’s someone telling me that I am wise after reading my words. I'll sadly admit I tend to have to work very hard to restrain myself from laughing in their faces. One of the fun, dark sides of Ego is that he’s excellent at reminding me of all my past failures and how stupid I am on a regular basis.

But the truth is that I have dedicated my writing multiple times for God’s use. And He’ll use it however He chooses. Most of the time, He humbles me with how he uses my writing and what He chooses to use.

It doesn’t solve Envy and Ego. They’re like comic-book villains, remember? Unless you see the dead body, they never die (and sometimes, not even THEN!). But it helps to remember Who I’m writing for and Why I write.

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For more about dealing with Writer’s Ego, read Heather Kopp’s “Why I Hope Your Novel Fails (and you get a zit).”

And if you want to know who I was talking about with that jealousy stuff, truth is, it’s these people. Please go check them out, because I mean it when I say they are really awesome writers, and, frankly, better than me.

Amy Green at The Monday Heretic.

Chandler Birch at Peregrination.

Anna, Bates, Jesus & Me

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.”
Isaiah 43:1b

                                                                                                                               

Last week, we celebrated Easter, the death and Resurrection of the Savior of the world. He who called us by name and gave us a new identity. But all too often I forget that identity.

I fail or screw up. I fall into sin. I feel lonely. I struggle with my inner man. I don’t measure up to the standards I set for myself. I feel unlovable.

And Satan is right there, ready to hand me a false identity.

“You’re a failure. A disappointment.”

“You’re a SINNER! How could God or anyone truly love you?”

“You’re lonely now. That will always be your lot in life.”

After years of doing it, sometimes it’s easy to accept those false identities for truth. It’s easy to fall off the cliff into what the old scars scream I am.

This last week, I revealed a painful part of my past to a friend, and all the old identities came flying back. The ones that said I was scarred for life. That I was unclean. That those who love me will abandon me, despite their claims to the contrary. That I deserve to be alone.

They whisper in my ear, “oooh! Tell him this! Then you’ll see you’re not worthy.” “He thinks you’re a good friend. Just wait until he hears this!”

I hiss and bite inwardly toward my friends when I get this way. I want to scream, “Unclean, unclean!”

And again, all those old behaviors, all those old thoughts are back, trying to convince they are true.

A visual representation of my old identities trying to consume me

(WARNING: MASSIVE Downton Abbey Spoilers ahead!)

In season four of Downton Abbey, Anna, one of the most beloved character, and a Lady’s Maid, is raped. Afterward, she feels dirty. She isolates herself, avoiding her husband and the other servants as much as possible. She keeps her shame secret. And it drives her away from the man who truly loves her. She is angry, convinced that she isn’t worthy of her husband, that she’s been spoiled, that she’s now worthless.

It takes a couple episodes for the truth to come out, and all the while her husband still does his best to love her. And when her husband, Bates, finds out what happened, he’s quick to forgive her the hurt she caused by avoiding him. He’s quick to remind her of his love. And he tells her that she is no less worthy of his love. She was Bate’s wife, first and foremost. He loved her and would always love her.

Like me, Anna felt unclean. Like me, she found out her brokenness didn’t define her.

Jesus doesn’t see me as broken and unclean. He takes the false identities, the dirty rags I wear, and casts them aside. He tells me truth, through His Word and His people. Nathan is lovable. Nathan will never be abandoned by Him. Nathan doesn’t have to be lonely.

Jesus says, “come to Me, and I will give you rest.” He says, “Nathan, I have loved you with an everlasting love.” He says, “Nathan, you are Mine. And this is your true identity.”

Hope

For most, Easter is a time of celebration, of Christ rising from the dead, the Easter Bunny, days off from work, and candy in eggs. But this year, I am reminded that it is a time of hope.

Someone I know almost succumbed to despair earlier this week. He almost committed suicide. But he checked himself into a hospital instead and found help.

Sadly, this is not the first time suicide has reached for people around me, brushing against me in the process. Of the four times in my life Suicide has brushed up against me, this is the first time he did not catch his prey.

So while everyone else celebrates, I write to those without hope, who struggle to live another day. To those who suffer from depression and loneliness. I write to new friends and old: Do not abandon hope.

You are loved. People do care about you. And though you may not believe it, every death is a loss felt by all.

I know.

A friend at my school accidentally killed himself in an experiment gone wrong. (I wrote about it here.) His death is still felt by students years later.

My boss’s husband killed himself 4 years ago after a traumatic brain injury left him disabled, and a different person than before. She still thinks about him every single day.

No matter what, people care about you and will always feel the loss of you.

Before you ask what right have I to speak into these things, let me tell you I know what it is like to be in your shoes. You think that life isn’t worth living. That you don’t really matter, and that no one will truly miss you after you’re gone. You wonder if your life has had any purpose, and looking back, and scanning your presumed future, you find it worthless. I know because I have been there. I have felt those feelings.

For a time, I planned to kill myself after graduation. Knew how, where, and a basic idea of when I would do so. I “knew” that my friends would move on and eventually forget about me, because I wasn’t a friend, but a burden.

Surprisingly, God showed me the truth through a horrible movie called Seven Pounds (which I NEVER want to see again) where the main character, consumed with guilt for an accident he caused resulting in death, killed himself and donated his organs to help others. Sounds good, I know, but I couldn’t get my boss out of my head, Her crying, tortured face. Her torment years later over her husband’s death. Her deep love that doesn’t let go of her husband to this day. I knew that his suicide haunted her. And I realized mine would haunt those I love.

Your desired death will haunt others too. Your life is not worthless. Your future is bright. You are loved more deeply than you can comprehend, both by those around you and the very God whose resurrection we celebrate this season.

And if you will not believe me, listen to these words, words from He Who Created you.

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare[a] and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” (ESV)

Isaiah 43:1-5a “But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, … ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you. Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life. Fear not, for I am with you….’” (ESV)

Zephaniah 3:17 “The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” (NIV 1984)

And finally, remember: God so loved you that He gave his only Son, so that if you would just believe in Him, you would not perish, but be given everlasting, abundant life! (John 3:16, paraphrased)

This is the time we celebrate the crucifixion and the resurrection of Jesus. God Himself did not think you worthless. He did not think your life too costly to save. But He gave it all because he loves you.

Do not abandon hope. God has not abandoned you.

God's Not Dead ... Prove It

First off (and I know I’m going to get flack for this) I haven’t seen God’s Not Dead. But really, I didn’t need to. I just read a plot summary online. I wasn’t impressed.

Now, it’s been clear to me ever since I heard the Newsboys were involved that this is propaganda. The revamped band (that really should have disbanded when Peter Furler decided to step down) is the major backer of the movie, the title comes from a line in one of their songs, and the climax of the movie revolves around a Newsboys concert. I don’t know about you, but that smells of propaganda to me.

But it’s more frustrating than that; (and this is where I’m really going to take off) it feeds into a stereotype that Christians have of the Big Bad Secular College, and the world can be won to Christ through philosophical arguments.

First off, Kevin Sorbo’s character would have been fired for making his students sign a statement that God is dead. It clearly infringes on the basic right of religious freedom. Last I checked, that was part of the Constitution. If we want to be taken seriously in the modern world, I suggest we make sure our Christian movies are a little more factual, instead of (in my maybe-not-so-humble opinion) stupid.

Second, arguing philosophy doesn’t change hearts. Love does. The Early Church fathers knew this: “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge … I am nothing.” (1 Corinthians 13:1-2 NIV 1984)

Yet here we are, and “the Number 1 Christian Movie in America” espouses knowledge, not love.

I think if we look back at the Bible, Jesus got in very few philosophical arguments, and the main people he argued with were the Pharisees. And he had some choice words. His cousin, John the Baptist, called them a brood of vipers (as did Jesus in Matthew 23). In fact, in Matthew 23, you see all sorts of colorful epithets for the Pharisees. They cared more for the law and words and philosophical arguments than they did about loving the people of God. And Jesus called them out for that.

Jesus said his disciples would be known by their love (John 13:34-35). So where is it?

Because personally, I am sick of words. I am sick of arguments.


I grew up in the Church and have gone to multiple Christian schools. I’ve heard every single argument. And I found that those arguments don’t change people.

Love changes people.

God is Love. So, why aren’t we being loving? Why do we not visit those in prison, serve food to the homeless, give shelter to those who need it? Heck, why don’t we tithe regularly? (Pastors have to live of a portion of your tithe, by the way. Just think about that.)

If we are the hands and feet of Jesus, then why are so many of us still, leaving the work of many to but a few?

If we are little Christs (which is what “Christian” means), why do we throw verbal and emotional stones those we deem living in sin?

My mother pounded this truth into my brain: People don’t care what you know until they know that you care. (Cheesy, I know. But true nonetheless.)

If God is not dead, which I know with all my heart, then we must prove it. Not through arguments. But by being Him to the world.