Angry. Secretive. High walls built up and lined with barbed wire and broken glass. Time spent more on my computer and no time spent that I didn't have to with my friends at school. I kept rage and hatred bottled up inside and refused to show anyone the truth in my heart. I was alone and pretended to be satisfied. I was lonely.
This is who I was less than a year ago.
Wrathful. Angry. Manipulative. Sensuous. Cut apart from God. Using people only for what I could get from them and then tossing them away like rags. Evil. Alone. Lonely
This is who I could be.
I know these things. I have spent time (maybe too much) searching the depths of my heart, exploring the dark parts of my soul, and remembering the boy I used to be.
Last Saturday was my birthday. I thought about my life and who I could become, and I was scared. I knew these things like I know the lines in the palm of my hand. I knew that only one step, one decision, one false move could take me to one of those two places, those two people I could be. At least, that's how it felt.
I felt alone and unloved, despite all the well-wishes of my friends who tried to show me they cared. I struggled under the oppressive weight of this knowledge. Finally a good friend came and told me some things I needed to hear.
Who I was and who I could be are not that important. God knows both of them even better than I do. He is not surprised by anything I do. He loves me anyway.
Who I was and who I could be are not who I am.
Beloved. Planned for. Redeemed. Adopted. Forgiven. Sacrificed for. Inseparable from God. Protected.
Never alone.
This is who I am.
I don't have to be alone! I don't have to believe the lie that I am unloved and am a few steps from falling away from God. It's not true!
So I don't have to be afraid anymore. I don't have to kill myself over who I could be or who I was. Instead I need to focus on who I am, on being God's child. That will be my focus for the days to come. For the new year that God has blessed me with. And maybe, in some small way, for the rest of my life.
Holy Is God and He is most worthy of praise.
This is who I was less than a year ago.
Wrathful. Angry. Manipulative. Sensuous. Cut apart from God. Using people only for what I could get from them and then tossing them away like rags. Evil. Alone. Lonely
This is who I could be.
I know these things. I have spent time (maybe too much) searching the depths of my heart, exploring the dark parts of my soul, and remembering the boy I used to be.
Last Saturday was my birthday. I thought about my life and who I could become, and I was scared. I knew these things like I know the lines in the palm of my hand. I knew that only one step, one decision, one false move could take me to one of those two places, those two people I could be. At least, that's how it felt.
I felt alone and unloved, despite all the well-wishes of my friends who tried to show me they cared. I struggled under the oppressive weight of this knowledge. Finally a good friend came and told me some things I needed to hear.
Who I was and who I could be are not that important. God knows both of them even better than I do. He is not surprised by anything I do. He loves me anyway.
Who I was and who I could be are not who I am.
Beloved. Planned for. Redeemed. Adopted. Forgiven. Sacrificed for. Inseparable from God. Protected.
Never alone.
This is who I am.
I don't have to be alone! I don't have to believe the lie that I am unloved and am a few steps from falling away from God. It's not true!
So I don't have to be afraid anymore. I don't have to kill myself over who I could be or who I was. Instead I need to focus on who I am, on being God's child. That will be my focus for the days to come. For the new year that God has blessed me with. And maybe, in some small way, for the rest of my life.
Holy Is God and He is most worthy of praise.
This was powerful. Can't really think of anything to say, but I can relate. Makes me think.
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