Hide and Seek

I used to love playing Hide and seek as a kid. I still love playing it. I sometimes even play "grown up" versions, like Sardines and Assassins. But there's other versions I play that I wish I didn't.

The version I'm best at is the truly "grown up" version of Hide and Seek. It doesn't have a name, just an action or motion: invisibility. There are times when I allow myself, sometimes even force myself to become invisible. Not literally, of course. Sorry to disappoint, but I don't have any super powers. But I let myself disappear. I fade into the background.  I retreat into my shell and hope no one notices me.

How does this work non-metaphorically? I withdraw from people, I tell them I'm fine when I don't feel that way and attempt to be alone. This only heightens my sense of isolation and loneliness, but I still do it. But every once in a while, something happens to break me out of the shell I build during my invisibility. Usually, it involves someone doing something unexpected for me. And I mean really unexpected.

In fact, most of the time, it takes someone noticing me in my invisibility. When someone sees through to me, notices me, takes the time to let me know I matter, then I begin to break out of the shell again.

I know this doesn't seem all that powerful, but trust me, being seen when you think you're invisible, when you're longing to be seen though you make no effort to stand out, that changes people. It affects them on so many levels. It affects me on those levels. I'll admit, when i become invisible, there is a part of me that is longing to be seen, pleading for someone to see me and take notice. Someone who will actually take the time to let me know that I'm loved, that I'm worthwhile. That I am worth it. And this has to be face to face or very personal. A comment on a Facebook status won't do it. it has to be something where the other person takes time to seek me out.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that God does this too. He sees me even when I try to hide and avoid Him. When I retreat into myself, He's there asking me to come back out and be with Him. He loves me enough that He cares when I try to hide from everyone around.

He seeks me. I matter to Him. He loves me. I know I've talked about how much He loves me a lot on this blog, but it feels as though I keep learning a new aspect about how He cares about me, how He wants me.
How He loves me, so fully and completely.

I feel like He is almost constantly reminding me of this. Or coming at it from a new angle, so that I might finally get it. Hopefully, one day I will understand. For now though, He is still teaching me about Himself and boggling my mind.

Holy is He who sees me and loves me and he alone is worthy of my praise.

Trust Me

"Trust me, trust me, trust me!"

My dad is known for saying this rapidly in a funny, raspy voice. He always says it when I'm starting to doubt the wisdom in something he's doing. I usually respond with something along the lines of "If we get in trouble, I'm blaming you."

Is this the right attitude? Who knows, but my dad goes along with it, as long as I'm respectful.

However, as wonderful as my dad is, he is not the reason I'm writing. These days, I'm faced with a difficult situation. Many, if I'm honest with myself, but that's another story. In all honesty, I scared of what the future holds, the near and the far. And I know the saying, "I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future," but I don't really like it. It's a platitude, a cliche. Annoying.

But it's true. I know He who knows and controls the future. But do I trust Him?

That's what I've been wrestling with these last few days. Do I truly trust Him? Actually, it's the one He has been asking me whenever I tell Him I'm scared of something. How do I respond? "Yes, but...(fill in the blank)." But He always quiets me, and He then tells me something like what my dad says.

"Trust me."

With the latest worry I've been facing, I've told God about many times, but every time it had a new angle, a new worry that threatened to shake me.

This last time, I told God about it and He asked me again, "Nathan, do you trust me?" I responded "Yes." I didn't put in a "but..." and I told God (and myself, slightly) That I will trust Him completely. Then He said one simple word to me, one He had never told me before.

He said, "Watch." And then he continued. "Watch and see Me, Nathan. See what I shall do for you."

Now, none of this was really audible, per se, but I knew He said it to me. Have I seen it yet? No. Bit that's okay. God can do amazing things. I know already because I have seen the changes he has made in me.I am still waiting, still watching, and still trusting.

Holy is He and worthy of praise.

Lights

Is there anyone that fails?
Is there anyone that falls?
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small?

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them
  
Is there anyone who's been there?
Are there any hands to raise?
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage?

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be?

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away?
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay?

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain?
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

These are the verses and chorus of the song Stained Glass Masquerade, by Casting Crowns. These words express how I feel so often around everyone I know. I wonder, "what if you knew the real me?" Would you still want to know me? Or would you walk away and reject me, wishing that I had never existed in your life?

I struggle with this so much. I try to pretend that everything is all right and that I don't have struggles. Of course, if you've been reading this blog, I imagine you know otherwise. But it's a façade I still maintain, nevertheless. Often I wish I didn't know how to act like this, but it's something I do very well.


Let me show you a picture of what it feels like sometimes. A few weeks ago, a preacher talked about character, and he described it as what someone would see if they were able to open us up and see into our inmost being. I, being the weird, imaginative person that I am, imagined taking a knife and cutting through the skin and all the layers to see the inmost man of the preacher. There I "saw" a vivid light coming from him, and thought his character is likely very strong. Then I turned the knife on myself, and cut through to see my own light. What I saw was a small, writhing ray of light, spinning and curling inward upon itself, rather like what a worm does after you dig out of the ground.


This brutal visual representation of my brokenness saddened me, but I hid it. Instead of letting people see this puny, pathetic, pitiful light, I put a distorted mirror around it, trying to make it seem like a raging torch instead of a flickering candle. I kept myself separated from everyone and continued to watch my light spin and curl, even though it cried out for help. I hurt to see myself in such a way. The last straw was when when I found myself slipping into old habits and lying to my best friends when they asked me how I was doing. Afterward I was so despondent and sad that I had returned to my Old Self that I went back and told them the truth.


Then a funny thing happened. I found the mirror I put up for my light distorted the others' lights as well. I discovered that the bright fires I thought surrounded me were only candles. They were as small as I was and needed truth just as much as I did.


I thought that I was the small weak one among my friends only to find out that when I revealed myself fully, they felt the same way about themselves. We were the same. We all needed and wanted to be open and seen for who we really are. We found unity in our brokenness, our weakness. And then something amazing happened. Our light grew.


If you put the flames of two candles together, in real life, you find that the flame rises and grows stronger. Well, when we released ourselves and saw each other truthfully, in some way our candles, our lights grew. They became stronger and our deep friendship became a little deeper, I think.


If we hadn't been open, if I hadn't been open, none of this would have happened. I would still be believing this age old lie that I'm the only one who struggles to be real to be worthy of acceptance. But it's not true. As someone once said, "We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same." 


I only hope I remember this in the years to come when I am tempted to keep my light to myself and refuse others access to it. May God continually remind me how much He has blessed me and how much He loves me. It is only because of Him that I have these friends and this freedom.


Holy is He and worthy of praise.

Treasures

Walls are good for many things. They help protect us, keep our treasures safe from outsiders, and keep out unwanted visitors. But they also isolate us, and drive people away. The walls guarded my treasures, but because I never shared my treasures with anyone, it all began to degrade and collect dust. It was worthless because, though I valued it, no one else could. My treasures were like fine art, hiding under a blanket where no one could see them. They suffocated and I lived alone, though physically surrounded by people.

This is no way to live. This is a way to slowly kill yourself. I know. I tried it.

I have lived with my walls built high. Very high. I believed they kept me safe, and protected my heart from people who would only break it, and it did do that. But it also divided me even from my loved ones, keeping me alone.

We all do this. We live with high walls, avoiding intimate contact with the outside world. But we were created to live life together, sharing our treasures.

And treasures are no necessarily physical or monetary gifts. They can be stories. They can be an experience that tells others "I know what you have been through, and I know that there is another way, or even a way out!" As Steve Saint once told me, people like to see our scars where they have wounds. It tells them they are not alone, and they can heal.

I know, it can seem strange to think of scars as treasures. For us, they are only reminders of past pain and hurt. Sometimes we have only to look and we remember all the agony of the wound with vivid clarity. But our scars offer hope to those who have none. They tell them "I have been able to move past the wound and heal. I can live with the pain. I have survived."

Not all people are like that though. Some people see the beauty and scorn it. They have never experienced that pain and have no idea how to appreciate the beauty God can make of it. All I can say is how sorry I feel for them because they have not the eyes to see God's beauty and the beauty in His broken creation.


But then there are people who don't have the wounds, but can see the beauty. They, though innocent, can see grace in tragedy. I think they are blessed by God because they have the eyes to see and they have the hearts capable of loving the damaged, wounded ones unconditionally. If you know such people, cherish them, because God can use them greatly to bless others.

God also uses us broken people. It amazes me whenever I see it, but God can take the shattered pieces of our hearts and create something so beautiful. What we know to be lost can be made into something beautiful again. But only if we allow God to use our brokenness. Which brings me back to the walls. We can't bless others when we're stuck behind high stone blockades.We have to break down our walls and show others our beauty and allow God to create in us a new beauty from brokenness. Then He can use us to His desire and show others the beauty He alone can create. It is in Him we find life from living death behind walls and find blessings to free us from the accursed walls.

Holy is He and He alone is worthy of praise.