In all honesty I’m not sure what to write tonight. Right now I’m wrestling with an issue that I cannot shake. It doesn’t help that I’m terrible at wrestling. Ask any of my friends and they’ll tell you the same. But as funny and ridiculous, not to mention off-topic as that is, the issue I’m struggling with is not.
Of course, I could try to write a little sermon or devotional, which was the reason I created this blog in the first place. But the funny thing is, the more I’ve searched myself and tried to figure out what I’ve learned, the deeper and more personal I have had to get. Now, I have no wisdom to impart to you, my readers. Just brutal honesty.
I keep getting these messages telling, “Nathan, quit living in the past, ‘cause you might miss what God has for you in the present.” While that is true, it still doesn’t help. In the not-so-distant past I found wonderful friends. I felt like I had a new family that supported me while my family at home was busy. Now, I’m home, and I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel lost, or worse, trapped.
And let me tell you, trying to explain to your family that you feel trapped is not fun. But that’s the sensation I’ve had, and the thing I’ve struggled with. I want to go back to the past, where my life was freer and easier. Or the future, when I go back to college and can put this summer behind me. The present is suffocating.
Just the other day, I had to leave the house, very suddenly. I felt that if I did not get out and away from absolutely everyone I knew at home, then I would have a meltdown. I was almost panicking in my desperation to leave and find someplace to be alone. My mother finally let me go and I left in our van for four blessed hours of peace.
First, I went up to the Continental Divide, just a few minutes from my house. There was still snow up at the pass. And surprisingly, or maybe ironically, at 12,000+ feet, I felt like I could breathe. The air is pretty thin up there. But I felt free. Utterly and completely free from all the constraints I felt forced upon me.
I love my family. A lot. So I don’t know how to tell them I feel trapped at times in my own home. Instead, to make sure everyone stays happy, I maintain a façade of happiness. Maintaining one of these façades is HARD! I used to have one during high school, but I had a break from it when I went home. After a few months the façade would drain me to the point where, if I didn’t get away from the people I knew at school, I was going to scream. Now I feel like I have to maintain a façade 24/7, making sure that my family is happy, and that word doesn’t get back to them of any unhappiness I feel. I have to maintain it in front of almost everyone. Keeping up a front for that long wears me out so much quicker than when it was just at school.
I bet it doesn’t help that the easiest lie for me to tell is, “I’m okay.” It’s a neutral position and it’s what people want to hear. No one is ever prepared for an answer other than “fine,” when they ask someone else how they are doing. Plus it allows me to stay “safe” as I call it. I tell them I’m okay, and usually no one bothers to ask any deeper questions. No one but a select few.
Thankfully, I guess God in His kindness, granted me friends that I don’t have to maintain a disguise of happiness with. I have friends I can be honest with and not worry about who else might find out about it. I have friends I can be real with. I swear, if I did not have them, my spirit would have died within me already. I think sometimes I use them as a lifeline to keep me from going under into insanity.
Now there is some good news in all of this. If you remember, I mentioned feeling lost, trying to find the pieces I left here before college. Well, I found a few. Of course, they would be embedded in my workplace. I found quite a few pieces there. And I saw myself giving a few away, gradually, but surely. And I don’t mind giving them away, I just hate it when I can’t find them again. But I’m not done searching. There’s still a few critical pieces I haven’t found yet. Maybe when I find them, I’ll quit feeling so trapped.
Either way, I will praise the Lord. He has given me friends, and also given me a way to survive this summer, when I feel as though I might be crushed under the weight of the façade I wear. For that I will praise him. And for so much more too.
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