Joyful Souls

Hey all. I know I haven't written in a while. Lousy internet can mess with you like that. That and trying to pack and get ready for College: Year Two.

It's been a little bumpy trying to get ready and be ready this year. This year I have a few more pressures I have to deal with. I am financially forced to get a job this semester. Where I will work I don't know, but I need to work somewhere. I have to make sure I get many scholarships so I can come back next year. I am starting a few new courses of study, in which I do not know any of my classmates. I have to find classes, balance life, school, and work. I have to find balance in my social life, and jump start my spiritual life again, which has unfortunately started falling behind everything else.

And, having moved to a different dorm, I have many new people I need to meet, get to know, and, well, get used to. I have to adjust to the loss of some of my graduated friends while figuring out who the new freshmen are. Not easy for an introvert. Not only that, I have to figure out the new group dynamics and try to adapt the the changes I'll inevitably find in my friendships and friends. 

Now, there was a reason I just listed all of that stuff. I felt (and still feel a little) pressured. I was scared coming back to Taylor University. So scared I was almost sick. I forced myself to stomach food--and to make sure I didn't see it again. I felt small and puny leaving home.

But, as I grew closer to school, closer to TU, the more excited I became. It got to the point where the car couldn't go fast enough to get me there (thankfully, I wasn't driving). And finally when I got here, I found friends all over. Friends who rushed to see me, who were delighted to find me, and who made me feel extremely loved. And this was mostly at the all-campus communion. I went back to my dorm room, and I ran for joy, even clicked my heels a few times. It was so overwhelming I barely restrained myself from screaming just to let it out.

And as the joy settled in, the fear loosened it's grip. Joy is more powerful than fear, just like Light is infinitely more powerful than darkness.So, for now, while the year is still daunting, I can face it with joy, knowing how loved I am.

While I was running,though, I thought, "Is this something like heaven?" What can I say, I'm a Christian, and I can't help thinking about these things. But it does seem like it. I was so filled with joy,. I saw friends I knew and people I knew had yet to meet. And we came together to worship the King, the reason for our fellowship. So I couldn't really help making the comparison.

Even better, I was reminded of God's faithfulness. He has seen me through so far, and He will never let me go. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, Phillipians 4:13. (NKJV?)

Holy is the Lord, and I will praise Him for His wonderful works and loving kindness.

Images and Reality

Hey all. I know I’m late again. This time I have a small excuse. I had to work the last few days, so writing my blog slipped my mind. And my mother’s birthday caught me unprepared, so I was scrambling for that too. Now, I bet it might not seem very important to most of you readers whether or not I post by a certain time, but it’s important to me. I started this blog as a writing discipline, so I need to work on being more disciplined.

However, I did not come to write about that. I did come to write about life. And I’ll admit, I’m writing about my life. So far, it’s the best tool for finding writing material I’ve found. So here goes….

These days, I’ve really been missing my friends from college. And as much as I try to control it, it seems at times to get only worse. It’s been driving me nuts as I try to figure out why I can’t control it. Usually, I’m better at keeping my emotions under control, but these won’t be tamed. And it’s taken me a while of simply talking with myself to figure some of the problem out. Yes Talking with yourself can be a good thing, because the longer you talk to yourself and express what you wouldn’t dare say in front of anyone else, you dig down and discover the problem.

So the problem is that I miss experiencing the reality of my friends. I know, that seems like a no-brainer. I already said I miss my friends. But it’s more than just missing them. I can interact with them on Facebook, email, and Skype. I can text them to share funny things with them. But that doesn’t give me any fulfillment. I miss the reality of them.

I miss seeing their faces. I miss hearing their voices. I miss the smells, the laughs, the fun.  I miss having ridiculous conversations full of inside jokes. I miss hearing stories about things both serious and humorous. I miss staying up late watching movies or praying with people I love, and who, for some unfathomable reason, love me too.

(Now, warning, I might get a little preachy here.)

Facebook can’t and won’t replace real relationships, despite what so many people fear. The fact is that it isn’t real enough to replace people. And that is what I miss.

Right now, all I have inside are images of my friends. I say “images” kind of borrowing from C.S. Lewis’ A Grief Observed. He talks about how all he seems to have left of his wife is his image of her. But that image is inferior to the real her. And I have to say the same about my own images, my own memories.

What I think and what I remember is a pale reflection of the real people I long for. Memories and images don’t work in reality. I can manipulate the images, move them however I want, warp my view of a person until they become who I want them to be. Memories I can speed up, slow down, fast forward and reverse, like a video. Again I can manipulate that.

I can’t manipulate people the way I do images. They don’t fit into the holes I create for them. They aren’t the shiny or sooty things I warp the images to be. I have to deal with people as they are. Their fallacies, their desires, their humor, their joys. I can’t create that in my mind. I can only remember. I can change my memory, but it doesn’t match reality. Reality has to be superior. Not because reality supersedes imagination, but because it is deeper, richer, and more vibrant than my paltry imagination can conceive.

So no matter how advanced computers become, they can’t replace people. No matter how good of an imagination I have, I cannot imagine reality. I guess that’s another reason God is so amazing. He can create reality from His imagination. He can conceive all our layers, our depth. He knows us intimately and doesn’t have to worry about dealing with images that don’t match the real person.  He made the real one.

Thankfully He gave me people I actually miss, and who I know care about me. For now I must wait and long for them until we meet again. But God is good. He loves me, and will sustain me.

Holy is He; my soul praises is holy Name.

True Strength

We all talk about strong people. We look up to them. We thank them for their service, for their willingness to be strong for others. We honor them, write books about them, and admire them, both up close as friends and far away as fans.

But here’s a question for you, one that keeps plaguing my mind: is it truly strength when being strong is the only choice you have?

When being strong for the people you love is your only option because anything else is unthinkable, is that something to be admired?

I ask this as I sit in the waiting room of the ER. My grandmother’s blood pressure is far too high, and won’t respond to medication. We brought her to the ER on doctor’s orders. “We” being my mother and I.

I hate being in the hospital, especially the one here in Salida, the closest hospital to my house. Bad memories and what I call “ghosts” live here. The nurses and doctors are nice enough, but they can’t change my past.

A few years ago, my mom’s health took a turn for the worst. She was in and out of the hospital for months. Specifically, this hospital. The doctors tried but couldn’t figure out what was wrong. They took out her gallbladder, ran various tests, tried changing her diet, anything and everything they could think of. Every time, it would seem to work, only for her to go back the next weekend.

I did most of my hours required for my driver’s permit driving to and from visiting my mother in the hospital. Even now, the road has bad memories which haunt me, hurt me, wrack my brain with pain. Though my mom couldn’t tell from the backseat, I was fighting tears on the drive here because I didn’t want to come back. Ever.

But I had no choice. Dad is working hard and can’t come home to make the half-hour-long drive to the hospital. My sister has Bronchitis and is in no shape to drive.

Thus I ask the question. Can I be considered “strong’ when I have no other choice? When breaking down and crying in anger and anguish is not an option?

I know only that God is here for me. God is the one who gives me any strength. I want to trust in Him, but at the same time these memories threaten to overwhelm me.

God, give me true strength.

Holy is He and most worthy of praise.

UPDATE: My grandmother is out of the hospital.