True Strength

We all talk about strong people. We look up to them. We thank them for their service, for their willingness to be strong for others. We honor them, write books about them, and admire them, both up close as friends and far away as fans.

But here’s a question for you, one that keeps plaguing my mind: is it truly strength when being strong is the only choice you have?

When being strong for the people you love is your only option because anything else is unthinkable, is that something to be admired?

I ask this as I sit in the waiting room of the ER. My grandmother’s blood pressure is far too high, and won’t respond to medication. We brought her to the ER on doctor’s orders. “We” being my mother and I.

I hate being in the hospital, especially the one here in Salida, the closest hospital to my house. Bad memories and what I call “ghosts” live here. The nurses and doctors are nice enough, but they can’t change my past.

A few years ago, my mom’s health took a turn for the worst. She was in and out of the hospital for months. Specifically, this hospital. The doctors tried but couldn’t figure out what was wrong. They took out her gallbladder, ran various tests, tried changing her diet, anything and everything they could think of. Every time, it would seem to work, only for her to go back the next weekend.

I did most of my hours required for my driver’s permit driving to and from visiting my mother in the hospital. Even now, the road has bad memories which haunt me, hurt me, wrack my brain with pain. Though my mom couldn’t tell from the backseat, I was fighting tears on the drive here because I didn’t want to come back. Ever.

But I had no choice. Dad is working hard and can’t come home to make the half-hour-long drive to the hospital. My sister has Bronchitis and is in no shape to drive.

Thus I ask the question. Can I be considered “strong’ when I have no other choice? When breaking down and crying in anger and anguish is not an option?

I know only that God is here for me. God is the one who gives me any strength. I want to trust in Him, but at the same time these memories threaten to overwhelm me.

God, give me true strength.

Holy is He and most worthy of praise.

UPDATE: My grandmother is out of the hospital.