Hope and Longing

Hope.

Hope is defined by the dictionary as a "desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fulfillment." Sounds so simple, doesn't it? Yet in this small, four-letter word lies so much more meaning than what the dictionary dares answer. It provokes, leads, compels. It drives us to do extraordinary things, some of them, especially in my own case, rather stupid. Nevertheless, we all have, we all need hope. And even though I'll admit I've denied it, I need hope too.

I know this sounds strange. Of course we need hope. Why wouldn't we? Some people might say hope is what makes us human. It's vital. Thus you need it too, Nathan.

But it is also a hard task-master. Disappointed hopes deeply hurt. They drive us to find fulfillment. And if we can’t fulfill them, we are forced to endure the torture of watching them die.

I know this all too well. I have seen hope perish as quickly as it was born, and I have watched it die slow, agonizing deaths. Often just in my own life. Because of this, I've been forced to wander, "What is the point of hope?"

More often than not, I empathize with Éomer from The Two Towers. He tells Aragorn that Aragorn should "not dare to hope [for] it is forsaken in these lands." So often I have felt that way. I have wanted to look at my reflection and tell myself that hoping for something was useless. That hope was for other people. Not for me. Never for me. I know this seems down and stupid, but it’s true. In my weakest moments, I feel as though I have no reason to have hope. And should not expect to find any reason for hope.

Now, before you start thinking that I have serious problems and stop reading, I need to tell you that I have heard this lie subtly from Satan over many years. Unfortunately, after a while, if you hear something long enough, it becomes truth. Rephrase that: it sounds like truth. It mimics truth so closely and so loudly, that the smaller voice that tries to remind me of the truth is drowned out, and I’m unable to discern fact from lie.

But the truth is that I need hope too. I have desires that want to be fulfilled. I have dreams that want to become reality. And I have old visions that now feel like nightmares I never want to happen for real. And trying to kill hope does nothing but kill your own self. I know. I've tried. And every time I tried to kill my hope, I went away depressed. I felt cold and unloved and hope fluttered on the edge of death.

Ironically, it's always when I'm at my worst, when hope has almost died that God steps in and revives it. Revives me. And it's usually through people that I find hope again. Maybe it’s a hug that I needed. Maybe it’s small words of encouragement I never expected. Maybe it’s a visit from a good friend. But God never fails to show me hope. He reminds me of His love, the most powerful reason for hope.

But I have discovered something else too. Sometimes, I can't simply wait for God to hit me with hope. Sometimes, I have to fight for it. Sometimes, I have to desperately search for it. I have to be active when it comes to hope. But I also believe God honors that search. If we seek hope, and more importantly, if we seek Him, we will find both together. God is the ultimate source of hope. It springs from Him and flows back to Him in a never-ending cycle.

So, here I go. Now to pursue God and Hope with all the stubbornness I claim to have.  I know that I can, but I must determine not to be distracted by lies and traps Satan tries to lay for me. But God is faithful. I'll always be able to find Him.

Holy is He and worthy of praise.