Greetings, Readers!
Since I last posted, I decided to take a small sabbatical from blog writing. However I also decided not to tell anyone. I am dreadfully sorry, and ask you to please forgive my lack of professionalism.
Actually, that's not true, unless it was a subconscious decision. But it sounds better to say, "I took a much-needed break" than to admit I have been running around like a chicken with it's head forcibly removed by sharp instruments ever since I posted last year in December, and have only just now had enough time, energy, and usable material to create a new blog post.
Okay, now I got that over with, I'm going to quit using such a formal voice. It was fun, but what I have to say can't be said with a stiff upper lip, pretending to look down my nose at readers. Or as though I'm a British professor. Something along those lines.
First off, I'll try to explain the title. These days I feel very much like a loser. No, this is not some cheesy gag trying to extol the virtues of being "a Loser for Christ" and giving up one's life to follow him. If I ever do that, I sincerely hope one of my dear friends will be kind enough to walk up behind me and hit me upside the head (aka, Gibbs slap me). Honestly I do feel like a loser, literally. I lose a lot. Not just in sports. Though in that area, I feel almost cursed as, inexorably, whenever I play or watch a sporting event, the team I cheer or play for loses. Every time.
This January has brought that into sharp focus as I play Volleyball and struggle because I feel as though my presence simply brings down the team, that they would be better off if I didn't play. More than once I have lost my temper because, after two weeks of playing, my team has won only a single game, and the other team was sadly pathetic. So I'm not sure I should even count that as a victory. But every other game we always lose, and I feel terrible about it, wondering if I might have been able to prevent it just by not showing up.
But it seems to show up elsewhere too. I feel often not good enough because I find that I fail to achieve any goals which include winning something important. Scholarships? Can't seem to get any. Writing contests? Never good enough. And if you combine the two? Failure after failure after failure rises before my eyes, and makes me want to curl into a hopeless little ball. And it never helps when I see someone else I know win them because it's always a bittersweet experience. I'm happy for them, but I feel jealous inside, wishing I was as good as they.
I never feel as though I measure up, to myself, or anyone else.Other people (aka, my parents) say they see potential in me, but sometimes I wonder of they even know what that means. When you face so many other writers and excellent professionals and student in your field, when you always seem to fall short, I wonder if they know what they're talking about because they clearly cannot mean me. They haven't met the people who clearly have potential, because if they had, they would never mistake me as having it.
But, thankfully I have friends. Friends who tell me that there is something more, that there is a reason. Because of them I have hope again. I have to believe that God somehow has some purpose for me, that being in the "loser's circle" has some significance, some meaning some value! There has to be more than just constantly being cursed to lose. There has to be some sort of purpose, something going on that will give this, give me, a reason to continue. I need and want hope.
And please, DO NOT leave comments, email or Facebook message me, or anything just to tell me "You're not a loser, Nathan!" (Think I put enough emphasis on "Don't"?) In all honesty, I don't want to hear that. It doesn't actually make a dent, no offense. And don't recite Jeremiah 29:11 at me. That verse has become so clichéd that it actually sickens me to hear it. It loses more of it's meaning every time someone tells me to read it or look it up. That's not my purpose in writing. I'm not looking to get a bunch of sympathy cards. I want to try to maybe encourage you, even though sometimes I wish i could do the same for myself.
God has a purpose for me. Sometimes I doubt it. In my darkest moments, I give in to feeling like an accident without meaning. But that is not a way to live. That is a way to die. I believe that God has a purpose because sometimes I have to in order to just keep breathing, to fight the waves of depression I face. It is the rpoe to which I cling, and sometimes from which I receive burn marks when the trials of life cause it to start slipping through my hands. But it's still there. I believe it.
Sometimes, that's all we have. Knowledge stops, but belief can be eternal. Belief is powerful. Belief acts when nothing else can, when reason fails and discernment falters. Belief gives life to the dead and dying heart.
If I, the modern chief of losers (at least in my opinion), can believe that God has a purpose for me, then you, my dear, dear reader, can know that God does have a plan for you. That He will accomplish his purpose for you, though it might be obscure right now. His plan will be brought to light, into glorious light, and you will see the beautiful plan He created for you all along. A plan that will glorify Him, even in your failures.
Holy is the Lord, and worthy of praise.
Since I last posted, I decided to take a small sabbatical from blog writing. However I also decided not to tell anyone. I am dreadfully sorry, and ask you to please forgive my lack of professionalism.
Actually, that's not true, unless it was a subconscious decision. But it sounds better to say, "I took a much-needed break" than to admit I have been running around like a chicken with it's head forcibly removed by sharp instruments ever since I posted last year in December, and have only just now had enough time, energy, and usable material to create a new blog post.
Okay, now I got that over with, I'm going to quit using such a formal voice. It was fun, but what I have to say can't be said with a stiff upper lip, pretending to look down my nose at readers. Or as though I'm a British professor. Something along those lines.
First off, I'll try to explain the title. These days I feel very much like a loser. No, this is not some cheesy gag trying to extol the virtues of being "a Loser for Christ" and giving up one's life to follow him. If I ever do that, I sincerely hope one of my dear friends will be kind enough to walk up behind me and hit me upside the head (aka, Gibbs slap me). Honestly I do feel like a loser, literally. I lose a lot. Not just in sports. Though in that area, I feel almost cursed as, inexorably, whenever I play or watch a sporting event, the team I cheer or play for loses. Every time.
This January has brought that into sharp focus as I play Volleyball and struggle because I feel as though my presence simply brings down the team, that they would be better off if I didn't play. More than once I have lost my temper because, after two weeks of playing, my team has won only a single game, and the other team was sadly pathetic. So I'm not sure I should even count that as a victory. But every other game we always lose, and I feel terrible about it, wondering if I might have been able to prevent it just by not showing up.
But it seems to show up elsewhere too. I feel often not good enough because I find that I fail to achieve any goals which include winning something important. Scholarships? Can't seem to get any. Writing contests? Never good enough. And if you combine the two? Failure after failure after failure rises before my eyes, and makes me want to curl into a hopeless little ball. And it never helps when I see someone else I know win them because it's always a bittersweet experience. I'm happy for them, but I feel jealous inside, wishing I was as good as they.
I never feel as though I measure up, to myself, or anyone else.Other people (aka, my parents) say they see potential in me, but sometimes I wonder of they even know what that means. When you face so many other writers and excellent professionals and student in your field, when you always seem to fall short, I wonder if they know what they're talking about because they clearly cannot mean me. They haven't met the people who clearly have potential, because if they had, they would never mistake me as having it.
But, thankfully I have friends. Friends who tell me that there is something more, that there is a reason. Because of them I have hope again. I have to believe that God somehow has some purpose for me, that being in the "loser's circle" has some significance, some meaning some value! There has to be more than just constantly being cursed to lose. There has to be some sort of purpose, something going on that will give this, give me, a reason to continue. I need and want hope.
And please, DO NOT leave comments, email or Facebook message me, or anything just to tell me "You're not a loser, Nathan!" (Think I put enough emphasis on "Don't"?) In all honesty, I don't want to hear that. It doesn't actually make a dent, no offense. And don't recite Jeremiah 29:11 at me. That verse has become so clichéd that it actually sickens me to hear it. It loses more of it's meaning every time someone tells me to read it or look it up. That's not my purpose in writing. I'm not looking to get a bunch of sympathy cards. I want to try to maybe encourage you, even though sometimes I wish i could do the same for myself.
God has a purpose for me. Sometimes I doubt it. In my darkest moments, I give in to feeling like an accident without meaning. But that is not a way to live. That is a way to die. I believe that God has a purpose because sometimes I have to in order to just keep breathing, to fight the waves of depression I face. It is the rpoe to which I cling, and sometimes from which I receive burn marks when the trials of life cause it to start slipping through my hands. But it's still there. I believe it.
Sometimes, that's all we have. Knowledge stops, but belief can be eternal. Belief is powerful. Belief acts when nothing else can, when reason fails and discernment falters. Belief gives life to the dead and dying heart.
If I, the modern chief of losers (at least in my opinion), can believe that God has a purpose for me, then you, my dear, dear reader, can know that God does have a plan for you. That He will accomplish his purpose for you, though it might be obscure right now. His plan will be brought to light, into glorious light, and you will see the beautiful plan He created for you all along. A plan that will glorify Him, even in your failures.
Holy is the Lord, and worthy of praise.
ok so per your request you will not get a comment here about not being a loser. but what you will get are thoughts on your ability to share through writing. I am a lot older then you are, and have more then enough experience and credentials after my name to make this comment, and read enough blogs that are just a waste of space, to tell you that you are one extremely talented person. I don't know your major but I hope it is communication of some form, for you certainly can do that so very very well. What ever you are doing do not give up on on sharing through your writing, it is some of the most authentic stuff I have ever seen, and start to think about copyright and getting an agent. your skill and talent: off the charts. I do not go to Taylor, have a doctorate from another school, and taught others how to put a sentence together to help pay for it, I think the blogosphere would be much better if more people could express as you do Mr. Sturgis. Please keep writing from your heart as it is very very real.
ReplyDelete