You know those occasional blog posts I do that are really
just a way for me to cry out and see if anyone’s listening and if anyone knows
or understands how I feel? This is one of those. So, if you’re not interested,
don’t continue.
I’m the third child in my family, the youngest. And, quite
frankly, sometimes I feel like I’m the least noticeable. I don’t try to make
trouble for my parents. Lord knows they have enough on their plates as is. But
often I feel like I’m a mistake, like I’m extra. Now, my family would
vehemently deny this, but it’s true. I feel as though sometimes I’m a random
accident. My sister, well, she’s a miracle child. I’ve heard the story of her
birth so many times I could recite it backwards and forwards. But me? I’m
nothing special. I just randomly popped out about twenty months after she did.
And often, I feel like, for better and worse, I live in the
shadows of my siblings. Which is really frustrating, let me tell you.
I need to find a purpose! And not like I need to read A
Purpose-Driven Life. I mean that these days I struggle to find a reason for my
existence. I look for a purpose. Why am I here? And if someone recites the
idiotic catechism about the chief role of man is to praise God and honor him, I’m
going to scream. Because, while that is my ultimate purpose, there’s times when
I need something more concrete, something that says I’m not a mistake. I need
to know that I’m worth the time. That I’ll be remembered. That I’m not a
worthless piece off biology that came into being.
I know that for some people, this sounds ludicrous. Stupid
even. But, I’ll imagine that most of you are extremely secure in your positions
in your family and don’t have a precarious field that is your realm of study
(or you’re a teenager whose main goal in life is to have fun and survive high
school).
I guess part of this is issues from this summer, where I
worked behind the scenes at a camp, and I felt like, other than making some
money for college, I didn’t do anything of value or significance. And I’m still struggling because, unlike my
siblings, I feel like I have to work extremely hard to fight to just be me, to
prove to myself and people around me that I am worth it! That I have some
value.
And I’m studying in a really small field in a super
selective program. Again, chosen because of my rather paltry skill set, and
because I felt like it would get me to my goals. But unlike so many in my
major, I suffer from feeling like a fraud of a writer. I’m not active enough in
my writing or prolific. I don’t succeed where so many others have. I’m just
average. I’m just boring. So, am I worth it?
Great question, answers…. Lacking, I’m afraid. How do you
prove to yourself that you have significance and value? I don’t know. I need to
have a real purpose, something that God has that only I can do. I know, that’s likely rather prideful and pig-headed. But
it’s something that I know I need. I need to know that I’m not a mistake, or a
failure. I want so desperately to know God’s plan for me because then I could
say definitively that there is a specific reason I am here and that God did not
create someone else in my stead.
So, is there anyone else out there like me? Or am I alone in
the questions and doubts? And fears?
