Need for Value

You know those occasional blog posts I do that are really just a way for me to cry out and see if anyone’s listening and if anyone knows or understands how I feel? This is one of those. So, if you’re not interested, don’t continue.

I’m the third child in my family, the youngest. And, quite frankly, sometimes I feel like I’m the least noticeable. I don’t try to make trouble for my parents. Lord knows they have enough on their plates as is. But often I feel like I’m a mistake, like I’m extra. Now, my family would vehemently deny this, but it’s true. I feel as though sometimes I’m a random accident. My sister, well, she’s a miracle child. I’ve heard the story of her birth so many times I could recite it backwards and forwards. But me? I’m nothing special. I just randomly popped out about twenty months after she did.

And often, I feel like, for better and worse, I live in the shadows of my siblings. Which is really frustrating, let me tell you.

I need to find a purpose! And not like I need to read A Purpose-Driven Life. I mean that these days I struggle to find a reason for my existence. I look for a purpose. Why am I here? And if someone recites the idiotic catechism about the chief role of man is to praise God and honor him, I’m going to scream. Because, while that is my ultimate purpose, there’s times when I need something more concrete, something that says I’m not a mistake. I need to know that I’m worth the time. That I’ll be remembered. That I’m not a worthless piece off biology that came into being.

I know that for some people, this sounds ludicrous. Stupid even. But, I’ll imagine that most of you are extremely secure in your positions in your family and don’t have a precarious field that is your realm of study (or you’re a teenager whose main goal in life is to have fun and survive high school).

I guess part of this is issues from this summer, where I worked behind the scenes at a camp, and I felt like, other than making some money for college, I didn’t do anything of value or significance.  And I’m still struggling because, unlike my siblings, I feel like I have to work extremely hard to fight to just be me, to prove to myself and people around me that I am worth it! That I have some value.

And I’m studying in a really small field in a super selective program. Again, chosen because of my rather paltry skill set, and because I felt like it would get me to my goals. But unlike so many in my major, I suffer from feeling like a fraud of a writer. I’m not active enough in my writing or prolific. I don’t succeed where so many others have. I’m just average. I’m just boring. So, am I worth it?

Great question, answers…. Lacking, I’m afraid. How do you prove to yourself that you have significance and value? I don’t know. I need to have a real purpose, something that God has that only I can do. I know, that’s likely rather prideful and pig-headed. But it’s something that I know I need. I need to know that I’m not a mistake, or a failure. I want so desperately to know God’s plan for me because then I could say definitively that there is a specific reason I am here and that God did not create someone else in my stead.

So, is there anyone else out there like me? Or am I alone in the questions and doubts? And fears?