Hey all. Sorry I'm late this week. it's finals week, so I got a little behind.
As I've talked about in other posts, I've been dealing with identity issues. One of those issues has been Whether or not I am lovable.
I'm really good at going back and forth on this one. I know at times that God loves me, but other times I feel completely unworthy of His love. Not in a humbling sense but in a wretched sense. More like I'm too horrible for Him to love and I don't deserve it.
Right now part of the issue I'm dealing with is my scars. Not physical ones, though I have plenty of those. I'm dealing with scars left from past wounds and pain. While the pain has healed, scars remain, deforming my heart.
When I look in the mirror, I see a scarred, broken, ugly man. When I see myself, I cry out in agony because I feel as though I have lost all claims to beauty in anyone's sight. Even God's. How can I be a wonderful creation of God when people run and hide at the true sight of my deformed visage. How can I be beautiful in God's eyes when I know people would cower if they saw the darkness in my soul and the scars crisscrossing my heart?
I feel like a two-faced person. Half of my face looks fine, with smooth skin covering my features. But the other half, the half no one sees, is deformed by scars from the wounds of cruel sadistic claws raking my face and soul.
It's a battle to find the truth. While I know countless verses telling me how much God loves me and how precious I am in His sight, I have a hard time truly believing it. I want to believe. But I hear another voice whisper in my ear, one that tells me of my scars, tells me how ugly and horrific I am. How unlovable I am. I've heard the voice so long it begins to sound like the truth.
How do you battle against lies that sound like the truth? How do you fight something that is branded on your soul? How do you win when your enemy has you pinned to the ground, impaling you in the dirt? How can you defend yourself when your sword is knocked away, your arm immobilized, while your enemy tortures you by whispering seeming-truths in your ear telling you how he's won the battle?
While I know you readers might be hoping for answers, I have to admit I'm still questioning at this point. I want to fight. I want to reclaim the beauty of being God's creation. I want answers. But I wonder if I'll get them. Or if I'll be able to hear them over my enemy's victory screech.
One day, I know I'll understand this. One day I will see God restore beauty to this scarred man. And for that I wait and pray.
Holy is the LORD and most worthy of praise.
As I've talked about in other posts, I've been dealing with identity issues. One of those issues has been Whether or not I am lovable.
I'm really good at going back and forth on this one. I know at times that God loves me, but other times I feel completely unworthy of His love. Not in a humbling sense but in a wretched sense. More like I'm too horrible for Him to love and I don't deserve it.
Right now part of the issue I'm dealing with is my scars. Not physical ones, though I have plenty of those. I'm dealing with scars left from past wounds and pain. While the pain has healed, scars remain, deforming my heart.
When I look in the mirror, I see a scarred, broken, ugly man. When I see myself, I cry out in agony because I feel as though I have lost all claims to beauty in anyone's sight. Even God's. How can I be a wonderful creation of God when people run and hide at the true sight of my deformed visage. How can I be beautiful in God's eyes when I know people would cower if they saw the darkness in my soul and the scars crisscrossing my heart?
I feel like a two-faced person. Half of my face looks fine, with smooth skin covering my features. But the other half, the half no one sees, is deformed by scars from the wounds of cruel sadistic claws raking my face and soul.
It's a battle to find the truth. While I know countless verses telling me how much God loves me and how precious I am in His sight, I have a hard time truly believing it. I want to believe. But I hear another voice whisper in my ear, one that tells me of my scars, tells me how ugly and horrific I am. How unlovable I am. I've heard the voice so long it begins to sound like the truth.
How do you battle against lies that sound like the truth? How do you fight something that is branded on your soul? How do you win when your enemy has you pinned to the ground, impaling you in the dirt? How can you defend yourself when your sword is knocked away, your arm immobilized, while your enemy tortures you by whispering seeming-truths in your ear telling you how he's won the battle?
While I know you readers might be hoping for answers, I have to admit I'm still questioning at this point. I want to fight. I want to reclaim the beauty of being God's creation. I want answers. But I wonder if I'll get them. Or if I'll be able to hear them over my enemy's victory screech.
One day, I know I'll understand this. One day I will see God restore beauty to this scarred man. And for that I wait and pray.
Holy is the LORD and most worthy of praise.
