A Letter to My Freshman Self

I'm a senior, about to graduate college, about to step into the real world. I'm taking what will be my last class of my undergraduate career (I hope). It's strange and I've been reflecting on all the things I've learned. One of the questions my professor asked the class is what we might say to a new writer who's not sure if they're cut out for writing. I started thinking about who I was as a freshman and a new writer and what I wish people had told me. So, I decided to write a letter saying what I would tell myself if I could.

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Dear Nathan,

I know you are just starting on your college journey, whereas mine is almost finished. I know all the hopes, fears, joys, and wonders you will experience. And I know exactly what you're feeling right now.

"Oh. Crap. What have I gotten myself into?"

You see all the kids around you, all the peers, the upperclassmen, the future novelists. You see all their work, all their abilities, and just like that, you feel woefully inadequate. You feel like a fraud. You don't write 15,000 words a day. You don't have 50 novels bouncing around your head. You don't even have a single novel written yet!

Guess what: that's okay.

You don't have to be them. You don't have to be a star child for your major. You don't have to be anything except yourself. And I need you to listen to me now because, while I am about to pull the "God card," it's still what you need to hear.

God didn't create you to be anyone but yourself.

He didn't create you to be your parents, who seem so smart that you feel like an idiot around them, depending on the subject. Yes, Mom was in the Talented and Gifted program and read the dictionary twice because she was bored. Yes, Dad started his first business when he was twelve and created bikes from scrap metal at the same time. But you're not them. You were never meant to be.

He didn't create you to be your peers, who scare the crap out of you with their well-thought-out political views and novels they write in their spare time, while you feel like a horrible writer who doesn't belong looking up at them. Look at them again. They are not you. You are not them, and you aren't meant to be.

He didn't create you to be your unborn twin, Thomas. I know you like to live in the land of "What If," especially in your darker moments, fantasizing about what a truly wonderful life he would have had if he'd been born instead, and how much better than you he'd be. Hear me when I say this: He. Is not. You.

You weren't created to be all the people you compare yourself to. You were meant to be who God created you to be. You were created with a special purpose in mind. Not your mom's purpose. Not your big brother's purpose. Your own purpose.

I can't tell you what that is. I'm still figuring it out for myself. But God made you for a reason. He created you wacky, a guy designed to fit in a very special part of his plan. Don't try to be someone else. You weren't made to be anyone other than you. And you will change and evolve. That's okay. But remember, at your core, you are designed for a reason. No one else can fill the role you're supposed to play.

So be you, and no one else.

Best wishes,
Nathan

The Loser's Circle

Greetings, Readers!

Since I last posted, I decided to take a small sabbatical from blog writing. However I also decided not to tell anyone. I am dreadfully sorry, and ask you to please forgive my lack of professionalism.

Actually, that's not true, unless it was a subconscious decision. But it sounds better to say, "I took a much-needed break" than to admit I have been running around like a chicken with it's head forcibly removed by sharp instruments ever since I posted last year in December, and have only just now had enough time, energy, and usable material to create a new blog post.

Okay, now I got that over with, I'm going to quit using such a formal voice. It was fun, but what I have to say can't be said with a stiff upper lip, pretending to look down my nose at readers. Or as though I'm a British professor. Something along those lines.

First off, I'll try to explain the title. These days I feel very much like a loser. No, this is not some cheesy gag trying to extol the virtues of being "a Loser for Christ" and giving up one's life to follow him. If I ever do that, I sincerely hope one of my dear friends will be kind enough to walk up behind me and hit me upside the head (aka, Gibbs slap me). Honestly I do feel like a loser, literally. I lose a lot. Not just in sports. Though in that area, I feel almost cursed as, inexorably, whenever I play or watch a sporting event, the team I cheer or play for loses. Every time.

This January has brought that into sharp focus as I play Volleyball and struggle because I feel as though my presence simply brings down the team, that they would be better off if I didn't play. More than once I have lost my temper because, after two weeks of playing, my team has won only a single game, and the other team was sadly pathetic. So I'm not sure I should even count that as a victory. But every other game we always lose, and I feel terrible about it, wondering if I might have been able to prevent it just by not showing up.

But it seems to show up elsewhere too. I feel often not good enough because I find that I fail to achieve any goals which include winning something important. Scholarships? Can't seem to get any. Writing contests? Never good enough. And if you combine the two? Failure after failure after failure rises before my eyes, and makes me want to curl into a hopeless little ball. And it never helps when I see someone else I know win them because it's always a bittersweet experience. I'm happy for them, but I feel jealous inside, wishing I was as good as they.

I never feel as though I measure up, to myself, or anyone else.Other people (aka, my parents) say they see potential in me, but sometimes I wonder of they even know what that means. When you face so many other writers and excellent professionals and student in your field, when you always seem to fall short, I wonder if they know what they're talking about because they clearly cannot mean me. They haven't met the people who clearly have potential, because if they had, they would never mistake me as having it.

But, thankfully I have friends. Friends who tell me that there is something more, that there is a reason. Because of them I have hope again. I have to believe that God somehow has some purpose for me, that being in the "loser's circle" has some significance, some meaning some value! There has to be more than just constantly being cursed to lose. There has to be some sort of purpose, something going on that will give this, give me, a reason to continue. I need and want hope.

And please, DO NOT leave comments, email or Facebook message me, or anything just to tell me "You're not a loser, Nathan!" (Think I put enough emphasis on "Don't"?) In all honesty, I don't want to hear that. It doesn't actually make a dent, no offense. And don't recite Jeremiah 29:11 at me. That verse has become so clichéd that it actually sickens me to hear it. It loses more of it's meaning every time someone tells me to read it or look it up. That's not my purpose in writing. I'm not looking to get a bunch of sympathy cards. I want to try to maybe encourage you, even though sometimes I wish i could do the same for myself.


God has a purpose for me. Sometimes I doubt it. In my darkest moments, I give in to feeling like an accident without meaning. But that is not a way to live. That is a way to die. I believe that God has a purpose because sometimes I have to in order to just keep breathing, to fight the waves of depression I face. It is the rpoe to which I cling, and sometimes from which I receive burn marks when the trials of life cause it to start slipping through my hands. But it's still there. I believe it.


Sometimes, that's all we have. Knowledge stops, but belief can be eternal. Belief is powerful. Belief acts when nothing else can, when reason fails and discernment falters. Belief gives life to the dead and dying heart.


If I, the modern chief of losers (at least in my opinion), can believe that God has a purpose for me, then you, my dear, dear reader, can know that God does have a plan for you. That He will accomplish his purpose for you, though it might be obscure right now. His plan will be brought to light, into glorious light, and you will see the beautiful plan He created for you all along. A plan that will glorify Him, even in your failures.


Holy is the Lord, and worthy of praise.