Identity. Seems like an easy concept. In the military, you are issued a card with your name, birth date, Social Security Number, and picture, among other things. Sounds simple. But as I've painfully found out, it's not simple.
This last year, I've been forced to recreate my own identity. Some parts I've kept, but I've had to redefine who I am in many areas. It's not easy.
Half the process is tearing down the old Identity. Any lies I've assimilated or accepted as truth have to go. That process in and of itself is painful and difficult. It's like ripping off old wallpaper in a room to find the walls underneath.
Maybe not. That's a little too easy by comparison. It's more like peeling dead skin off a really bad sunburn on your back. Painful, disgusting, and messy. And you have to be careful not to rip off some living, healthy skin, since you can't quite see which is which. You can feel it, but you can't actually see it.
While dealing away with all the lies, I also have to find out the truth. I have to find true pieces of my Identity to put in the places the lies took. That's hard too. I have to test each one, make sure it's true, and then accepting it into my Identity. Of course, That's a lot like getting an organ replaced. In real life, you might have to take anti-rejection drugs to stay healthy and keep the organ thriving. I have to do that a lot with my new ID. Except I don't have anti-rejection drugs, which makes the process a lot more difficult.
This last week I've struggled with my ID a lot. Mostly with part of me, a very big dominating part, wanting to reject vital parts of the truth I have to live with. Parts of my Identity are painful and ugly. But I can't change them. The problem is I want to.
I have never tried to claim I lead a normal life. In fact, I have often thought of the word "normal" with a mental sneer. But after seeing what "normal" is, and how different and attractive it is as compared to my own life, I have to admit I want it. Even thought that would mean changing so many things in my past. No one is completely normal, mind you, but some people are closer to "normal" than others. They're closer to an ideal type of life, though that may be ideal only to me.
It's torturous to want to change the past to remove some of the vital parts of your ID. Changing the past is impossible. But that does nothing but make the desire to change it stronger and more painful.
Even worse is seeing the ID you want in your friends, coveting it for your own. It makes the pain less bearable because you see and know exactly what you want, but it is eternally out of reach. And if you're a Christian like me, it makes you feel guilty and worthless because you're coveting (and yes, that's EXACTLY what it is) something your friends have and breaking one of God's commandments.
That is my struggle for this week. And for Lord only knows how much longer. Hopefully, my identity will be complete one day. But until that day comes, I will be trying to love God with everything that is in me.
Holy is He and worthy of Praise.
This last year, I've been forced to recreate my own identity. Some parts I've kept, but I've had to redefine who I am in many areas. It's not easy.
Half the process is tearing down the old Identity. Any lies I've assimilated or accepted as truth have to go. That process in and of itself is painful and difficult. It's like ripping off old wallpaper in a room to find the walls underneath.
Maybe not. That's a little too easy by comparison. It's more like peeling dead skin off a really bad sunburn on your back. Painful, disgusting, and messy. And you have to be careful not to rip off some living, healthy skin, since you can't quite see which is which. You can feel it, but you can't actually see it.
While dealing away with all the lies, I also have to find out the truth. I have to find true pieces of my Identity to put in the places the lies took. That's hard too. I have to test each one, make sure it's true, and then accepting it into my Identity. Of course, That's a lot like getting an organ replaced. In real life, you might have to take anti-rejection drugs to stay healthy and keep the organ thriving. I have to do that a lot with my new ID. Except I don't have anti-rejection drugs, which makes the process a lot more difficult.
This last week I've struggled with my ID a lot. Mostly with part of me, a very big dominating part, wanting to reject vital parts of the truth I have to live with. Parts of my Identity are painful and ugly. But I can't change them. The problem is I want to.
I have never tried to claim I lead a normal life. In fact, I have often thought of the word "normal" with a mental sneer. But after seeing what "normal" is, and how different and attractive it is as compared to my own life, I have to admit I want it. Even thought that would mean changing so many things in my past. No one is completely normal, mind you, but some people are closer to "normal" than others. They're closer to an ideal type of life, though that may be ideal only to me.
It's torturous to want to change the past to remove some of the vital parts of your ID. Changing the past is impossible. But that does nothing but make the desire to change it stronger and more painful.
Even worse is seeing the ID you want in your friends, coveting it for your own. It makes the pain less bearable because you see and know exactly what you want, but it is eternally out of reach. And if you're a Christian like me, it makes you feel guilty and worthless because you're coveting (and yes, that's EXACTLY what it is) something your friends have and breaking one of God's commandments.
That is my struggle for this week. And for Lord only knows how much longer. Hopefully, my identity will be complete one day. But until that day comes, I will be trying to love God with everything that is in me.
Holy is He and worthy of Praise.
I know what you mean about coveting identities. I struggle with that sometimes too.
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