Christ said the second greatest commandment is to love your neighbor as yourself.
Now, I don’t know about you, but I’ve always had issues with the commandment to love my neighbor as myself. Loving myself always sounded narcissistic. How was that supposed to work? Shouldn’t I love my neighbors better than myself? Putting others before yourself is the Christian way, right? So how does narcissism fit in with that? Plus, I had other issues.
For most of my life, I’ve felt a little bit like a monster. (Needless to say, I have some massive issues.) I am angry, have issues relating to others, live with some abandonment and insecurities. I have a hard time believing that I am a good person. So how on earth can I love myself?
Ever see Wreck-It Ralph? It's is the story of a computer game villain who gets tired of always being the bad guy and hated by everyone. So he tries to go out and prove that he can be Good. Along the way he makes many friends and realizes that his programmed role as a villain did not mean he was a bad guy. As he says in at the end of the movie, “I don't need a medal to tell me I'm a good guy. Because if that kid likes me... how bad can I be?”
(And yes, I always cry at that moment. I almost cry at many moments in that movie. You would too.)
The main point of the movie is that you don’t have to be the hero to be a good guy. Your “programming” doesn’t determine who you are.
There's another movie I need to mention too. Have you ever seen The Iron Giant? If not, you need to go see it. NOW.
It revolves around a 50-100 foot tall giant robot who crash lands on earth and loses all his memory, making him, in essence, a blank slate. He makes friends with a boy who teaches him about life and about what it means to be good.
But it turns out that he’s a highly advanced weapon sent from outer space. Suddenly he has to determine what he is and what he wants to be.
During the movie there is a marked tension between being “Metallo,” the evil robot, or “Superman,” the good guy. And repeated throughout the movie is the phrase, “You are who you choose to be.” When his friend is in danger, and the only way to save the boy is to sacrifice his own life, he chooses to ignore his own programming and decides to be good. He chooses to be Superman. (And yes, I cry watching this movie too. Deal with it.)
Both those movies spoke to my heart. I am not a monster. Whether or not I have issues, I am still a child of God. He still loves me and (hopefully) approves of me. I learned how to accept and love myself. And it was only after I was able to accept myself that I became able to accept others. Only after I began to love myself was I able to love my neighbor.
Loving oneself doesn’t mean being vain and prideful. It means knowing your own faults, your fears, your good and bad qualities, and accepting them as a part of you. It means letting go of trying to be perfect and being okay with who you are instead of who you think you should be.
And believe me, when you do, you will be able to obey the Golden Rule.
A friend came to me recently and told me about his struggles. They weren’t nice. They weren’t pretty. He made mistakes. He was hurting.
Dr. Brené Brown has written extensively about vulnerability and empathy, which I believe are key to loving others as you love yourself. It requires you to see someone else’s hurt and let yourself identify with that hurt. You have to let their pain touch you and hit on something inside yourself.
That doesn’t mean one-upping them. That doesn’t mean sympathizing. It means saying, “I know what that feeling is like. You’re not alone in this pain.” Or if you don’t know, it means admitting that, and not trying to provide answers. As Addie Zierman said in her post “In Defense of the Four-Letter Word,” “it’s more profane to say God never gives you more than you can handle than it is reach across the table, grab [your friend’s] hands, [and swear].”
Loving someone as yourself means you have to be vulnerable, admit your own brokenness, and let another’s brokenness touch yours. It means seeing that you aren't that different from the other person. It means seeing the "monster" in the other person and being willing to admit that you can be a monster too.
Before I learned to love myself, I would have judged my friend. I would have told him that he needs to ask forgiveness for his sins. I would have rejected his broken heart because I would have thought he was stupid to let it break in the first place. (I wasn’t a nice person. I admit that. When you hate yourself, anyone who has a struggle similar to yours is subject to scrutiny and judgment because you fear you might end up just like them.)
But God worked wonders in my heart. I saw his pain and brokenness and it touched my own. Instead of judging him, I loved him even more. I saw him as Jesus did. Broken, but loved. I understood his pain and let myself enter into it. I didn’t shy away because it was close to my own brokenness. I didn’t respond with righteous indignation.
I felt love. And I learned what it means to love your neighbor as yourself.
For most of my life, I’ve felt a little bit like a monster. (Needless to say, I have some massive issues.) I am angry, have issues relating to others, live with some abandonment and insecurities. I have a hard time believing that I am a good person. So how on earth can I love myself?
Ever see Wreck-It Ralph? It's is the story of a computer game villain who gets tired of always being the bad guy and hated by everyone. So he tries to go out and prove that he can be Good. Along the way he makes many friends and realizes that his programmed role as a villain did not mean he was a bad guy. As he says in at the end of the movie, “I don't need a medal to tell me I'm a good guy. Because if that kid likes me... how bad can I be?”(And yes, I always cry at that moment. I almost cry at many moments in that movie. You would too.)
The main point of the movie is that you don’t have to be the hero to be a good guy. Your “programming” doesn’t determine who you are.
There's another movie I need to mention too. Have you ever seen The Iron Giant? If not, you need to go see it. NOW.
It revolves around a 50-100 foot tall giant robot who crash lands on earth and loses all his memory, making him, in essence, a blank slate. He makes friends with a boy who teaches him about life and about what it means to be good.
But it turns out that he’s a highly advanced weapon sent from outer space. Suddenly he has to determine what he is and what he wants to be.
During the movie there is a marked tension between being “Metallo,” the evil robot, or “Superman,” the good guy. And repeated throughout the movie is the phrase, “You are who you choose to be.” When his friend is in danger, and the only way to save the boy is to sacrifice his own life, he chooses to ignore his own programming and decides to be good. He chooses to be Superman. (And yes, I cry watching this movie too. Deal with it.)
Both those movies spoke to my heart. I am not a monster. Whether or not I have issues, I am still a child of God. He still loves me and (hopefully) approves of me. I learned how to accept and love myself. And it was only after I was able to accept myself that I became able to accept others. Only after I began to love myself was I able to love my neighbor.
Loving oneself doesn’t mean being vain and prideful. It means knowing your own faults, your fears, your good and bad qualities, and accepting them as a part of you. It means letting go of trying to be perfect and being okay with who you are instead of who you think you should be.
And believe me, when you do, you will be able to obey the Golden Rule.
A friend came to me recently and told me about his struggles. They weren’t nice. They weren’t pretty. He made mistakes. He was hurting.
Dr. Brené Brown has written extensively about vulnerability and empathy, which I believe are key to loving others as you love yourself. It requires you to see someone else’s hurt and let yourself identify with that hurt. You have to let their pain touch you and hit on something inside yourself.
That doesn’t mean one-upping them. That doesn’t mean sympathizing. It means saying, “I know what that feeling is like. You’re not alone in this pain.” Or if you don’t know, it means admitting that, and not trying to provide answers. As Addie Zierman said in her post “In Defense of the Four-Letter Word,” “it’s more profane to say God never gives you more than you can handle than it is reach across the table, grab [your friend’s] hands, [and swear].”
Loving someone as yourself means you have to be vulnerable, admit your own brokenness, and let another’s brokenness touch yours. It means seeing that you aren't that different from the other person. It means seeing the "monster" in the other person and being willing to admit that you can be a monster too.
Before I learned to love myself, I would have judged my friend. I would have told him that he needs to ask forgiveness for his sins. I would have rejected his broken heart because I would have thought he was stupid to let it break in the first place. (I wasn’t a nice person. I admit that. When you hate yourself, anyone who has a struggle similar to yours is subject to scrutiny and judgment because you fear you might end up just like them.)
But God worked wonders in my heart. I saw his pain and brokenness and it touched my own. Instead of judging him, I loved him even more. I saw him as Jesus did. Broken, but loved. I understood his pain and let myself enter into it. I didn’t shy away because it was close to my own brokenness. I didn’t respond with righteous indignation.
I felt love. And I learned what it means to love your neighbor as yourself.
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