Confession time.
I live with a small voice in my head telling me how awesome I am and how everyone should love what I write.
Sadly, not many people listen to that voice inside my head. (I wonder why….)
It’s the voice inside me that tells me that I need to work harder, do better, and become the best. The ambition to one day be a famous writer/blogger, and have publishers competing to be the one to publish my book. I call him Writer’s Ego. He’s a fun chap to have to deal with all the time. (But more on that later.)
So I go out and publish more and more words, hoping to get noticed…
Aaaaaaaand my post views still end up in the double digits. Sometimes, I’m happy just to make it over 50 views, a rarity itself. (Not saying all of you MUST read my blog from now on. Just speaking reality here.)
Then I see some of my friends writing and people liking so much of their stuff. Enter Ego’s brother, Envy.
He starts out small. He whispers things in my writer’s ear that rake his brother Ego.
“Why does she get all the likes? Why does no one appreciate the words you say?”
Or “Why is he the one every turns to? Why do they look up to him as a writer? You’re just as good a writer.”
He
starts out small. But then he and Ego join together and become one
giant evil monster of jealous ambition that drives me to do better, not
because I want to be my best, but the best.
“YOU MUST WRITE BETTER!! BE FUNNIER, HAVE MORE WISDOM!!! TELL BETTER STORIES WITH BETTER PLOTS AND BETTER CHARACTERS AND BETTER DIALOGUE!!!! YOU MUST BETHE BEST IF YOU EVER WANT TO AMOUNT TO ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!”
And
here we find my fatal flaw (or in Christian-ese, my “deadly sin”). I
want so much to be a voice, a writer, an influence, that I pressure
myself to be the very best, not just my best.
Or to paraphrase the Pokémon theme song, “Gotta beat ‘em all!”
And then the pressure builds, I fail to write better than my peers, and I fall short. And I feel a lot like a failure as a writer.
Thus is the cycle of Ego/Envy. And, despite what my pastor says about “nailing SELF to a tree,” (or sacrificing myself to God’s Will,) that Ego keeps coming back like a comic book villain. He won’t die.
Maybe you know what this is like. Maybe you don’t. As much as I wouldn’t want Envy to be a scourge for anyone else, a part of me hopes I’m not the only one who lives with Ego/Envy.
What is the solution? I mean, come on! I can’t write about this without offering some sort of resolution. All my fellow writers would kill me!
The best thing I’ve found that defeats Ego and Envy is humility. And God humbles me in the most unlikely ways. Often, it’s a comment, or a text, or a Facebook message telling me how much I and my words mean to someone. It’s really humbling when I didn’t think that particular piece was one of my best.
Sometimes, it’s someone telling me that I am wise after reading my words. I'll sadly admit I tend to have to work very hard to restrain myself from laughing in their faces. One of the fun, dark sides of Ego is that he’s excellent at reminding me of all my past failures and how stupid I am on a regular basis.
But the truth is that I have dedicated my writing multiple times for God’s use. And He’ll use it however He chooses. Most of the time, He humbles me with how he uses my writing and what He chooses to use.
It doesn’t solve Envy and Ego. They’re like comic-book villains, remember? Unless you see the dead body, they never die (and sometimes, not even THEN!). But it helps to remember Who I’m writing for and Why I write.
For more about dealing with Writer’s Ego, read Heather Kopp’s “Why I Hope Your Novel Fails (and you get a zit).”
And if you want to know who I was talking about with that jealousy stuff, truth is, it’s these people. Please go check them out, because I mean it when I say they are really awesome writers, and, frankly, better than me.
Amy Green at The Monday Heretic.
Chandler Birch at Peregrination.
I live with a small voice in my head telling me how awesome I am and how everyone should love what I write.
Sadly, not many people listen to that voice inside my head. (I wonder why….)
It’s the voice inside me that tells me that I need to work harder, do better, and become the best. The ambition to one day be a famous writer/blogger, and have publishers competing to be the one to publish my book. I call him Writer’s Ego. He’s a fun chap to have to deal with all the time. (But more on that later.)
So I go out and publish more and more words, hoping to get noticed…
Aaaaaaaand my post views still end up in the double digits. Sometimes, I’m happy just to make it over 50 views, a rarity itself. (Not saying all of you MUST read my blog from now on. Just speaking reality here.)
Then I see some of my friends writing and people liking so much of their stuff. Enter Ego’s brother, Envy.
He starts out small. He whispers things in my writer’s ear that rake his brother Ego.
“Why does she get all the likes? Why does no one appreciate the words you say?”
Or “Why is he the one every turns to? Why do they look up to him as a writer? You’re just as good a writer.”
 |
| I told you he starts small. Ugly, but small. (Envy picture from FullMetal Alchemist: Brotherhood) |
“YOU MUST WRITE BETTER!! BE FUNNIER, HAVE MORE WISDOM!!! TELL BETTER STORIES WITH BETTER PLOTS AND BETTER CHARACTERS AND BETTER DIALOGUE!!!! YOU MUST BETHE BEST IF YOU EVER WANT TO AMOUNT TO ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!”
 |
| Yeah, he's even uglier when he gets bigger. And more monstrous and unmanageable. (Picture of Envy from FullMetal Alchemist: Brotherhood) |
Or to paraphrase the Pokémon theme song, “Gotta beat ‘em all!”
And then the pressure builds, I fail to write better than my peers, and I fall short. And I feel a lot like a failure as a writer.
Thus is the cycle of Ego/Envy. And, despite what my pastor says about “nailing SELF to a tree,” (or sacrificing myself to God’s Will,) that Ego keeps coming back like a comic book villain. He won’t die.
Maybe you know what this is like. Maybe you don’t. As much as I wouldn’t want Envy to be a scourge for anyone else, a part of me hopes I’m not the only one who lives with Ego/Envy.
What is the solution? I mean, come on! I can’t write about this without offering some sort of resolution. All my fellow writers would kill me!
The best thing I’ve found that defeats Ego and Envy is humility. And God humbles me in the most unlikely ways. Often, it’s a comment, or a text, or a Facebook message telling me how much I and my words mean to someone. It’s really humbling when I didn’t think that particular piece was one of my best.
Sometimes, it’s someone telling me that I am wise after reading my words. I'll sadly admit I tend to have to work very hard to restrain myself from laughing in their faces. One of the fun, dark sides of Ego is that he’s excellent at reminding me of all my past failures and how stupid I am on a regular basis.
But the truth is that I have dedicated my writing multiple times for God’s use. And He’ll use it however He chooses. Most of the time, He humbles me with how he uses my writing and what He chooses to use.
It doesn’t solve Envy and Ego. They’re like comic-book villains, remember? Unless you see the dead body, they never die (and sometimes, not even THEN!). But it helps to remember Who I’m writing for and Why I write.
For more about dealing with Writer’s Ego, read Heather Kopp’s “Why I Hope Your Novel Fails (and you get a zit).”
And if you want to know who I was talking about with that jealousy stuff, truth is, it’s these people. Please go check them out, because I mean it when I say they are really awesome writers, and, frankly, better than me.
Amy Green at The Monday Heretic.
Chandler Birch at Peregrination.
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