God, Give Me Strength

Okay, I guess I owe all you readers another apology. I haven't been posting regularly like I promised myself I would. I know, that's not a real big thing. I mean, it's not like I have a huge fan-base waiting with bated breath just for my next blog post. But I know that many blogs are started, but not regularly kept, and often just abandoned. I don't want to do that, but be faithful and do what I know I should.

So, I do owe you an apology. I guess I also owe one to myself. I made the promise to myself and broke it. And I know this seems all too personal and silly. After all, as long as I post who cares what resolutions I break or so on and so fifth. (I know it's supposed to be "forth", but it's my own small joke. Inflation goes up still, so why not use it in words, where number hide all the time?)

But one of the reasons I don't post very often I guess is because I'm not sure what to say. I don't know what you, my readers, need or want to hear, so I simply keep my mouth shut. That and dealing with homework tends to keep me on my toes, like it or not. I know, I signed up for this. Worse, I'm paying for it. But hey, I will persevere, somehow.

I guess one thing I will share with you all is my ongoing struggle with identity. Specifically, my identity in Christ.

Since I'm in college, I've been taking time to somewhat reinvent myself, try new things and figure out what is me and what is just me posing as someone else. I try to determine what I like, as opposed to copying what my friends like or what my family enjoys. And along with that, I'm trying to figure out who I am when my family's not looking over my shoulder. I'm trying to sort out all the baggage that came with me, both physical and emotional,(I'll admit, I moved in the end of August, and I still have a mess lurking in my closet because I haven't sorted and organized everything, though I know what all I brought) and figure out who I am besides just how I feel. I'm trying to look beyond what I feel to know what's true, regardless of emotion.

In that process, as friends have reminded me time and time again, I have to remember who Christ says I am. I can't say how grateful I am to my friends for their patience with me in this matter. Amazing I know. Born and raised in the church, having read the entire Bible through a couple times, and having gone to both a private Christian school and College, I still wrestle with knowing who God says I am and making that an integral part of my identity.

All too often I have this painful tendency to believe lies that have embedded themselves in my ID, like a parasite or a computer virus. It's almost as though whenever I'm faced with a challenge or become scared, I retreat to my old false self, the one that quivers in a corner, afraid of being discovered. Afraid of everything.

And living in fear hurts. Running and hiding hurts. I don't know how many times I have missed things that would have been fun and amazing because I decided "it would be best for everyone if I disappeared." Because I thought I needed to exit out of people's lives like an actor in a theater. And while doing that, I made myself lonely. I made myself be alone.

And one of the things I'll admit I fear desperately is being alone, living without friends or family. A picture comes to my mind of living in a large wood house, having every material thing I ever wanted, yet looking out the window of a dark library room to see dark clouds and driving rain outside. Inside the house is only one living soul: me. Only me. And that's how it always is. That's how it always will be.

That scares me because I can't stand the thought of living alone, my life wasting away because I deemed it "my lot" to be alone. Or worse, I found a way to drive off all of my friends and am alone because of my own foolish actions.

You want to know something ironic? That same house and solitude used to be a dream I adored. I thought all I wanted was peace and solitude to write. All I thought I needed was an office, a library and a large house and I would be happy. People? Who needs them? They'll only get in my way.

Now I see that such a life is empty, truly empty. If I gain all I thought would make me happy yet have no one to share it with, what have I accomplished?

Nada. Nothing.

And yes, I have gone off on a tangent, but I'm good at that. Really good. But to get back to my point, I struggle with not retreating back to the man I used to be. I try to remember the new man God created me to become. I don't exactly know who this man is. I know that I want to be him though. I hope that God will give me the strength to persevere to become that man He created me to be.

I wonder who his identity is. Or rather in Whom is his identity. Okay, maybe I don't wonder. I know. But I really desperately hope he's better at remembering his true identity that I am. I hope I become him. I hope God says, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."

I admit that's what I want most. To hear God says he's proud of me.

Hopefully, I'll hear that someday.

Holy is the Lord, and most worthy of praise.

Joyful Souls

Hey all. I know I haven't written in a while. Lousy internet can mess with you like that. That and trying to pack and get ready for College: Year Two.

It's been a little bumpy trying to get ready and be ready this year. This year I have a few more pressures I have to deal with. I am financially forced to get a job this semester. Where I will work I don't know, but I need to work somewhere. I have to make sure I get many scholarships so I can come back next year. I am starting a few new courses of study, in which I do not know any of my classmates. I have to find classes, balance life, school, and work. I have to find balance in my social life, and jump start my spiritual life again, which has unfortunately started falling behind everything else.

And, having moved to a different dorm, I have many new people I need to meet, get to know, and, well, get used to. I have to adjust to the loss of some of my graduated friends while figuring out who the new freshmen are. Not easy for an introvert. Not only that, I have to figure out the new group dynamics and try to adapt the the changes I'll inevitably find in my friendships and friends. 

Now, there was a reason I just listed all of that stuff. I felt (and still feel a little) pressured. I was scared coming back to Taylor University. So scared I was almost sick. I forced myself to stomach food--and to make sure I didn't see it again. I felt small and puny leaving home.

But, as I grew closer to school, closer to TU, the more excited I became. It got to the point where the car couldn't go fast enough to get me there (thankfully, I wasn't driving). And finally when I got here, I found friends all over. Friends who rushed to see me, who were delighted to find me, and who made me feel extremely loved. And this was mostly at the all-campus communion. I went back to my dorm room, and I ran for joy, even clicked my heels a few times. It was so overwhelming I barely restrained myself from screaming just to let it out.

And as the joy settled in, the fear loosened it's grip. Joy is more powerful than fear, just like Light is infinitely more powerful than darkness.So, for now, while the year is still daunting, I can face it with joy, knowing how loved I am.

While I was running,though, I thought, "Is this something like heaven?" What can I say, I'm a Christian, and I can't help thinking about these things. But it does seem like it. I was so filled with joy,. I saw friends I knew and people I knew had yet to meet. And we came together to worship the King, the reason for our fellowship. So I couldn't really help making the comparison.

Even better, I was reminded of God's faithfulness. He has seen me through so far, and He will never let me go. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, Phillipians 4:13. (NKJV?)

Holy is the Lord, and I will praise Him for His wonderful works and loving kindness.

Trust Me

"Trust me, trust me, trust me!"

My dad is known for saying this rapidly in a funny, raspy voice. He always says it when I'm starting to doubt the wisdom in something he's doing. I usually respond with something along the lines of "If we get in trouble, I'm blaming you."

Is this the right attitude? Who knows, but my dad goes along with it, as long as I'm respectful.

However, as wonderful as my dad is, he is not the reason I'm writing. These days, I'm faced with a difficult situation. Many, if I'm honest with myself, but that's another story. In all honesty, I scared of what the future holds, the near and the far. And I know the saying, "I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future," but I don't really like it. It's a platitude, a cliche. Annoying.

But it's true. I know He who knows and controls the future. But do I trust Him?

That's what I've been wrestling with these last few days. Do I truly trust Him? Actually, it's the one He has been asking me whenever I tell Him I'm scared of something. How do I respond? "Yes, but...(fill in the blank)." But He always quiets me, and He then tells me something like what my dad says.

"Trust me."

With the latest worry I've been facing, I've told God about many times, but every time it had a new angle, a new worry that threatened to shake me.

This last time, I told God about it and He asked me again, "Nathan, do you trust me?" I responded "Yes." I didn't put in a "but..." and I told God (and myself, slightly) That I will trust Him completely. Then He said one simple word to me, one He had never told me before.

He said, "Watch." And then he continued. "Watch and see Me, Nathan. See what I shall do for you."

Now, none of this was really audible, per se, but I knew He said it to me. Have I seen it yet? No. Bit that's okay. God can do amazing things. I know already because I have seen the changes he has made in me.I am still waiting, still watching, and still trusting.

Holy is He and worthy of praise.

Lights

Is there anyone that fails?
Is there anyone that falls?
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small?

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them
  
Is there anyone who's been there?
Are there any hands to raise?
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage?

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be?

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away?
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay?

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain?
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

These are the verses and chorus of the song Stained Glass Masquerade, by Casting Crowns. These words express how I feel so often around everyone I know. I wonder, "what if you knew the real me?" Would you still want to know me? Or would you walk away and reject me, wishing that I had never existed in your life?

I struggle with this so much. I try to pretend that everything is all right and that I don't have struggles. Of course, if you've been reading this blog, I imagine you know otherwise. But it's a façade I still maintain, nevertheless. Often I wish I didn't know how to act like this, but it's something I do very well.


Let me show you a picture of what it feels like sometimes. A few weeks ago, a preacher talked about character, and he described it as what someone would see if they were able to open us up and see into our inmost being. I, being the weird, imaginative person that I am, imagined taking a knife and cutting through the skin and all the layers to see the inmost man of the preacher. There I "saw" a vivid light coming from him, and thought his character is likely very strong. Then I turned the knife on myself, and cut through to see my own light. What I saw was a small, writhing ray of light, spinning and curling inward upon itself, rather like what a worm does after you dig out of the ground.


This brutal visual representation of my brokenness saddened me, but I hid it. Instead of letting people see this puny, pathetic, pitiful light, I put a distorted mirror around it, trying to make it seem like a raging torch instead of a flickering candle. I kept myself separated from everyone and continued to watch my light spin and curl, even though it cried out for help. I hurt to see myself in such a way. The last straw was when when I found myself slipping into old habits and lying to my best friends when they asked me how I was doing. Afterward I was so despondent and sad that I had returned to my Old Self that I went back and told them the truth.


Then a funny thing happened. I found the mirror I put up for my light distorted the others' lights as well. I discovered that the bright fires I thought surrounded me were only candles. They were as small as I was and needed truth just as much as I did.


I thought that I was the small weak one among my friends only to find out that when I revealed myself fully, they felt the same way about themselves. We were the same. We all needed and wanted to be open and seen for who we really are. We found unity in our brokenness, our weakness. And then something amazing happened. Our light grew.


If you put the flames of two candles together, in real life, you find that the flame rises and grows stronger. Well, when we released ourselves and saw each other truthfully, in some way our candles, our lights grew. They became stronger and our deep friendship became a little deeper, I think.


If we hadn't been open, if I hadn't been open, none of this would have happened. I would still be believing this age old lie that I'm the only one who struggles to be real to be worthy of acceptance. But it's not true. As someone once said, "We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same." 


I only hope I remember this in the years to come when I am tempted to keep my light to myself and refuse others access to it. May God continually remind me how much He has blessed me and how much He loves me. It is only because of Him that I have these friends and this freedom.


Holy is He and worthy of praise.