God, Give Me Strength

Okay, I guess I owe all you readers another apology. I haven't been posting regularly like I promised myself I would. I know, that's not a real big thing. I mean, it's not like I have a huge fan-base waiting with bated breath just for my next blog post. But I know that many blogs are started, but not regularly kept, and often just abandoned. I don't want to do that, but be faithful and do what I know I should.

So, I do owe you an apology. I guess I also owe one to myself. I made the promise to myself and broke it. And I know this seems all too personal and silly. After all, as long as I post who cares what resolutions I break or so on and so fifth. (I know it's supposed to be "forth", but it's my own small joke. Inflation goes up still, so why not use it in words, where number hide all the time?)

But one of the reasons I don't post very often I guess is because I'm not sure what to say. I don't know what you, my readers, need or want to hear, so I simply keep my mouth shut. That and dealing with homework tends to keep me on my toes, like it or not. I know, I signed up for this. Worse, I'm paying for it. But hey, I will persevere, somehow.

I guess one thing I will share with you all is my ongoing struggle with identity. Specifically, my identity in Christ.

Since I'm in college, I've been taking time to somewhat reinvent myself, try new things and figure out what is me and what is just me posing as someone else. I try to determine what I like, as opposed to copying what my friends like or what my family enjoys. And along with that, I'm trying to figure out who I am when my family's not looking over my shoulder. I'm trying to sort out all the baggage that came with me, both physical and emotional,(I'll admit, I moved in the end of August, and I still have a mess lurking in my closet because I haven't sorted and organized everything, though I know what all I brought) and figure out who I am besides just how I feel. I'm trying to look beyond what I feel to know what's true, regardless of emotion.

In that process, as friends have reminded me time and time again, I have to remember who Christ says I am. I can't say how grateful I am to my friends for their patience with me in this matter. Amazing I know. Born and raised in the church, having read the entire Bible through a couple times, and having gone to both a private Christian school and College, I still wrestle with knowing who God says I am and making that an integral part of my identity.

All too often I have this painful tendency to believe lies that have embedded themselves in my ID, like a parasite or a computer virus. It's almost as though whenever I'm faced with a challenge or become scared, I retreat to my old false self, the one that quivers in a corner, afraid of being discovered. Afraid of everything.

And living in fear hurts. Running and hiding hurts. I don't know how many times I have missed things that would have been fun and amazing because I decided "it would be best for everyone if I disappeared." Because I thought I needed to exit out of people's lives like an actor in a theater. And while doing that, I made myself lonely. I made myself be alone.

And one of the things I'll admit I fear desperately is being alone, living without friends or family. A picture comes to my mind of living in a large wood house, having every material thing I ever wanted, yet looking out the window of a dark library room to see dark clouds and driving rain outside. Inside the house is only one living soul: me. Only me. And that's how it always is. That's how it always will be.

That scares me because I can't stand the thought of living alone, my life wasting away because I deemed it "my lot" to be alone. Or worse, I found a way to drive off all of my friends and am alone because of my own foolish actions.

You want to know something ironic? That same house and solitude used to be a dream I adored. I thought all I wanted was peace and solitude to write. All I thought I needed was an office, a library and a large house and I would be happy. People? Who needs them? They'll only get in my way.

Now I see that such a life is empty, truly empty. If I gain all I thought would make me happy yet have no one to share it with, what have I accomplished?

Nada. Nothing.

And yes, I have gone off on a tangent, but I'm good at that. Really good. But to get back to my point, I struggle with not retreating back to the man I used to be. I try to remember the new man God created me to become. I don't exactly know who this man is. I know that I want to be him though. I hope that God will give me the strength to persevere to become that man He created me to be.

I wonder who his identity is. Or rather in Whom is his identity. Okay, maybe I don't wonder. I know. But I really desperately hope he's better at remembering his true identity that I am. I hope I become him. I hope God says, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."

I admit that's what I want most. To hear God says he's proud of me.

Hopefully, I'll hear that someday.

Holy is the Lord, and most worthy of praise.

Leaving

Well, it's official. I have finished my first year at Taylor University. I am now a sophomore. Now, admittedly, I should be rejoicing, but I'm not. In some ways, I am happy. I finished one year of college. That in itself is an achievement. But there's something else that overwhelms the miniscule feeling if victory. It is the feeling of loss.

This year, I made quite a few friends. Some of them were freshmen. Some were graduating seniors. All of them I will miss. Especially those graduating. While I have some assurances that I might see some of them again, it still feels like in some way, I'm losing my friends, like I'm losing a piece of myself.

It hurts. I see my friends go, most of them still living in the Midwest, while I have to pack up and return to Colorado. I feel the separation ache. The pain is too mellow, too slightly expected to cut or stab. It throbs instead.

Facing this pain, which is all too familiar I must confess, I find myself asking, does saying goodbye ever get to the point where it doesn't hurt, at least as a college student?


Does it ever get any easier?

I wanted to go and ask a professor or one of the seniors this question, but I never did. I never asked while I had them here to tell me. However, after slightly stewing on this question for a few hours, I discovered the best person to ask this question would be myself.

Now before you think I'm getting pompous or arrogant, let me tell you why I think that.

I'm a military brat, and I have never lived in any one place longer than 4 years. You say goodbye often that way. For the four years I went to high school, I lived at a summer camp. Every single I would say goodbye at least twice. Once to the first month's summer volunteers, next to the second month's volunteers and the paid staff.

I also graduated High School a year ago, almost to the day. I had many goodbyes to say then. I had to say goodbye to my parents when they dropped me off at college.

Suffice to say, I've had to say a lot of goodbyes in my life.So, if you all are still interested in my answer, here it is.

It never gets easier to say goodbye. In fact, the more you invest yourself in your friends and the deeper the bonds you make, the harder it gets to say goodbye.

I say this from personal experience. I missed my friends from camp a little, But as I look forward to the summer, the more I wish I had my friends with me physically. The more I long to have my close friends near.

So this summer might be hard. I have to go back to good friends, but I'm leaving some of the best friends I've ever had.

However, before my heart begins to despair, and thus make me begin my summer the crappiest way I could, I need to remember something,

Now, forgive me for sounding cheesy, but the truth is the truth, Jesus is the friend who will never leave me. Never. I can't move away from Him. He won't graduate and be forced to move on past college and thus past me. He will never be living anywhere I'm not.

He is always with me. I tend to forget that so easily, possibly because I have this nasty tendency to rely on myself.

But there is nowhere I can go to escape His love. While all my other friends must move on and we must spend our summers apart, I will remember that God is still with me. That Jesus is right beside me, being everything and more that my friends can't be.

Holy is He and Worthy of praise.

The Battle

The sky above bleeds crimson. The field is dark, and the Enemy is coming. Even now, I can see their eyes before me, hungry for flesh. No, I do not battle humans. I battle the worst monsters conceivable. I battle my own demons.

My compatriots are gone, as often happens in war, battling their own demons. Friends become separated while battling enemy hordes intent on their demise.  In my scabbard around my waist lies my sword, and a battle horn hangs by my side.

Three demons encircle me. We are old enemies, and well acquainted with each other. Lust fights independently, while Loneliness and Depression pair up on their opponents, providing a two-pronged attack. I note their weapons. Loneliness's claws are tipped with diamonds, so that they can cut through metal into a man and wound him. Depression carries a weighted net, designed to incapacitate his enemies. Lust holds a whip to entangle, trip, and drive his victims where he wants. But these are not their deadliest weapons. Each of their mouths spits poison and acid which eats away at armor and soul.

I cower behind my shield and cry out to God to come defend me. I know I cannot defeat these enemies on my own. But God whispers to me, "Remember."

"Remember what?" I scream, as blows from the demons hammer me.

"Remember the gifts I gave you. Look around and see. Remember."

My eyes dart to my waist and I see my Sword, still in its scabbard. Above it is my unused horn. I push against the current demon scratching at my shield trying to reach me, and pull out my sword, I swipe at the nearest enemy and cause them all to back away, wary of my blade.

I use my shield hand to grab my horn to summon my friends with three quick notes. Loneliness tries to take advantage of my momentary distraction and spits thick, caustic saliva at my chest. I raise my shield, and thrust the horn to my lips, calling for aid.

Within seconds, two battle brothers who were waiting for my call charge towards my foes and enter the fray. Together, we soundly defeat them and they retreat, running for their very lives. However, In unison, they yell at me, "We'll be back for you. Just wait." The battle is over for now, and we have emerged victorious. The war however, shall continue. And we will face it together, serving God.

*                                       *                                        *

I'll be the first to admit it: I like to shoot myself in the foot whenever I struggle spiritually. I forget all the things God has taught me. Instead of trying to use the weapons He's given me, I cower behind a shield and squeak, "Somebody help me!"

After all, God has told me Truth so many times. He has blessed me with wonderful, deep, meaningful friendships and people whom I can count on. But do I utilize these things when trouble comes? NO!

Times of trouble tend to show me to be an idiot. I easily forget so much! And worse, I let Pride influence me, thinking that I should be able to handle these enemies on my own. And then (you guessed it!) I fail miserably, and end up retreating before the onslaught. Why can I not remember the truth? But as Pilate once asked, What is Truth? Or for me, what is the truth I should remember?

First, God loves me and cares for me so much that it boggles my mind even to think about it. He does not leave me to struggle defenselessly. He gives me weapons to defeat my enemies and tells me who I truly am: I am His. In Him lies my identity, and in Him only. This is the Truth that empowers my Sword. And that's not all.

I have friends. I have people who will come and lift me up in prayer if I ask them. I have men who will come alongside me and help me carry my burdens. I have "battle brothers" who will come to my aid if I let them know of my troubles. All I have to do is send out the call and tell them I'm in trouble.

Remember the goodness of God and utilize the weapons He gives me; that is how to win spiritual battles. Not by my own pitiful strength, but by His grace. God, help me never to forget that.

You are Holy and most worthy of Praise.

Alone?

Angry. Secretive. High walls built up and lined with barbed wire and broken glass.  Time spent more on my computer and no time spent that I didn't have to with my friends at school. I kept rage and hatred bottled up inside and refused to show anyone the truth in my heart. I was alone and pretended to be satisfied. I was lonely.

This is who I was less than a year ago.

Wrathful. Angry. Manipulative. Sensuous. Cut apart from God. Using people only for what I could get from them and then tossing them away like rags. Evil. Alone. Lonely

This is who I could be.

I know these things. I have spent time (maybe too much) searching the depths of my heart, exploring the dark parts of my soul, and remembering the boy I used to be.

Last Saturday was my birthday. I thought about my life and who I could become, and I was scared. I knew these things like I know the lines in the palm of my hand. I knew that only one step, one decision, one false move could take me to one of those two places, those two people I could be. At least, that's how it felt.


I felt alone and unloved, despite all the well-wishes of my friends who tried to show me they cared. I struggled under the oppressive weight of this knowledge. Finally a good friend came and told me some things I needed to hear.

Who I was and who I could be are not that important. God knows both of them even better than I do. He is not surprised by anything I do. He loves me anyway.

Who I was and who I could be are not who I am.

Beloved. Planned for. Redeemed. Adopted. Forgiven. Sacrificed for. Inseparable from God. Protected.

Never alone.

This is who I am.

I don't have to be alone! I don't have to believe the lie that I am unloved and am a few steps from falling away from God. It's not true!

So I don't have to be afraid anymore. I don't have to kill myself over who I could be or who I was. Instead I need to focus on who I am, on being God's child. That will be my focus for the days to come. For the new year that God has blessed me with. And maybe, in some small way, for the rest of my life.

Holy Is God and He is most worthy of praise.